Saturday 23 June 2012

Memoirs of this Delusional Writer #2.8.3: Hiatus

Starting paragraph
If life’s a box of chocolates that would make 98% of them poisoned in one way or another, leaving only one you truly want. How the hell are you meant to pick when everything looks the fucking same!?!
Magically Dead, book 2, Soul Stealer series, starting line

Let’s begin this at the start
So as something that you might, or might not know, I decided to go on a little hiatus from writing—mostly because I just couldn’t write anymore.
This, I think, has come down to two—no three—main reasons why I can’t.
1.    Because of the books I’m yet to read, you know the ones I craved getting my hands on and now that I have them I scared shitless of reading them—what if there crap!?
Lover Reborn, Redemption, Bitterblue, Insurgent...and the 20 or so other books gracing my shelf that I have yet to pick up and read. But you can look at the bottom there and see the list.
2.    Come right off the last one, a lot, to a point that this might not really be a second reason but an extended version of the first, hence, me not really knowing. Is the fact that I’m reading a lot of books lately that are written especially well, and I’m not the type of person that can read on great book after another. Really, people I have to read the book to death before I can move on.
It’s a pain, for me, since I try and get myself to read Thrus, Fri and Saturday nights, since there isn’t anything on telly—hell the rest of the week to, at the moment, but when it comes to a great book, I just can’t read something else when I’m craving to re-read the last book I read, it makes the one I pick up crapper, simply because it’s not the one I want to be reading. Pathetic, but that’s me.
3.    My sister and her knowledge of me. The bitch has told me—hell, she told me last month—that she got me a really good b’day present, and I love presents. Hell, I love birthdays, give it mine, someone else’s, I love the resaving and giving of gifts. (Hell, Christmas I’m the same too), I hate surprises though, it’s not a great hate, hell, I can live with them, I just rather know what’s going on rather than not. Still, it’s getting really close to my birthday so the jitters for that great ass day are coming up, and her stupid present is ringing in my head, it’s all I can think about.
See, bitch.
The worse is that I actually hate being the centre of attention in anyway, really, I can deal with it, but I much rather not, so lucky for me my mum’s birthday is 5 days after mine which always means....joint parties. Yeah! And this year, she’s turning...ah, I just realised she probably wouldn’t be happy with me spilling it, but it’s a ‘0’ (a half way point 0, hehe).
So there you have it, some of the reason I think I’m having a mental block on the whole not writing thing.
And now....I’m going to show you what it really means when I say I’m not writing anything at the moment, since technically I am, a bit, actually, it’s just not what I want to be writing and not really anything that interesting to begin with, maybe, you’ll see.

Tues, 15th May: 1,282 words Killing Time, book 1, Soul Stealer series
Wed, 16th May: 526 words, Betrayal & War, book 3, Warrior Brethren series
            ~~Wrote up the story line of another erotic contemporary romance~~
Fri, 18th May: 293 words in Bye Roman, Love Julius, TragicTeen collection.

What I had to say Sun, 20th May: you know what I’m really bad at, and am going to have to do something about it? Picturing my characters.....
Once I write them out once, I get to give myself a brake, because a lot of their main and noticeable features, I have solidly in my mind, but it’s their overall look that I get stumped on. How crap is that?

And again on Mon, 21st May: you think it’s a bit of a cliché to have an erotic novel start off with a sex scene?
I did it mostly because I have written a lot of the plot down, and the fact that he has sex with Jessie, a ‘kid’ who moved in next door and instantly got Jack missing his Bi life, but he loved his wife and never did anything about it. I kept that true, he didn’t even though he wanted to—but then a lot of marriages go through that kinda rough patch, it’s natural and he was openly guy.
Anyway, the story is that Jack and his wife got in a car crash, which resoled in her being killed instantly and Jack hospitalised for two months, meanwhile, Jessie, whose been in love with Jack since he saw him, and later had a great relationship with Jack’s wife (she was of a keep close, headspace), took a roll in Jack’s life by looking after his baby while he was unwell, and the Jack as he drifted through the recovery and grief in a different world.
{yeah, people, I do actually give my characters full back stories, it’s why it’s both hard and easy to write two or three books at once, they are full blown in my head and they know where they sit. Really, this shit I’m writing now, is all coming out of my head as I type, not looking at sheets of paper to get the full story, it’s just always there}
You know, the type of grief you hope your wife/husband won’t have to feel if you die, but you know he/she will (if it’s true love, they won’t if it’s not, I guess—also, it’d matter when they died, and how, right?). That living dead type of grief.
Anyway, I was going to start this novel with the crash and Jessie getting the phone call because he happened to be looking after their baby at the time (there’s more to it than that, but it’s actually a point in the story line that helps Jack let go of his wife and except Jessie. So I won’t go into it too much, I already give too much away about my books, let’s not give this one too much time, aye?!
Anyway, so my point is that I ended up going with the idea that this fucking was going to be what wakes him up. he’s not going to come too perfectly, there’s still a lot of crap he has to come to terms with, but you have to open your eyes eventually, and its Jessie, which is a point, that has him starting to see.
So if I did it from the start, start, the book would have to be in Jessie’s head, because Jack just isn’t there, and if that’s the case then I can only do a sorta seeing of what Jack’s going through, and I kinda wanted to be inside his head. Wanted it to be a lot more about what Jack’s going through, but first he has to wake up!
Which takes us to the opening scene, but is it to cliché? 
I don’t know.
What do you think, should I start it off that way? or should I go a different root, maybe start it just after the orgasm that has him crumbling in on himself while he snaps back into reality?

Wrote: 406 words (a semi re-write) in Letting Live, now, Holding Jack
       Tue, 22nd: re-wrote above part (yeah, this fits better), 1,980 words.
            ~~ Yeah, I’ve got chapter one done—not fully written, but done. Yeah!!! ~~

Sun, 27/may: yeah, yeah, yeah, I got myself a point in my book, the sticky part that made me stop. Maybe it isn’t outside shit that’s got me road blocked, but maybe, just maybe, the part in the book that wasn’t right?!
            Words: 459 in Body of Darkness
What I had to say: You know something I just found out, and it’s one of those things that you all probably know and have found out it out from nothing and everything that I’ve read over and over. I’m really bad a grammar, the big mistake that I always make is double negatives. I can’t seem to help it. It’s sorta, kinda, how I speak so when I double it up like that it just seems the natural way to put thing and I can’t manage to make it different. Ever the little spell-check squiggle under the sentence and the whole ‘note’ they give when left clicked, I still can’t change it.
Saying this, you’ll probably never find me writing a character with good grammar. Not unless I get someone who’s willing to spend the time making it write, making them sound more educated. Smarter. Though it’s kinda a giving with me. How can I write a smart person when I’m dumb as bad shit, just doesn’t seem fair....right.

What happened, 28/May: 1,048 words in Holding Jack.
            ~~did I tell you that when this book is finished, because I’m not planning on making it a long one, hopefully it will reach novella length, I’m going to be putting it up on the blog?! Well I am, so look forward to that—if it’s your thing, at least ~~

Words, 29/May: 235 words in Holding Jack
            ~~ am using the word ‘genuinely’ a lot ~~

What I had to say, 30th May: okay, so let’s get to the simple thoughts of what I did threw the night. Mostly I worked and wrote up what I need to focus on with Body of Darkness, and I wrote a little scene, but it’s not anything interesting, and even more so it might never get into the actual book, this all depends on whether the character mentioned plays a part or not. I’m not sure yet.
I also hand wrote a page (both sides) in my Wolf Fights book—which, if you don’t know, is a book I’m writing, a transition and when I really thought about it, this book also happens to be about a gay boy who doesn’t come out threw the story. The fact that he’s gay is only one part and that part is about him and his second.
Anyway, I wrote it and realised I can’t use it, which sucks, but shit happens. It does help solidly my back story. And I have put it in the computer so maybe, if you like the story I can give you this part too, as a bonus or something. But I’m not writing this part in his voice, which is why I can’t use it.
Words: 468, Wolf Fights

Words, 4/June: 1,606 Wolf Fights
          ~~ oh....I got to see the b’day present my parents got for me—or more so my dad made for me, ‘cause he’s cool that way. You’ve probably already seen it, if you read my blog, because I’ve done a post for my b’day but this was when I got to see that beautiful book case that my dad made me. All by himself, just for me!!!!! I love it, and can’t wait til I get to put my books in it (we have to get it to my house and stuff first) ~~

What I had to say, 5th June: doubts..... Yeah, I’ve got them again. Though I think I’ll always have them, I don’t think you could be a writer and not. really, there are so much out there that’s awesome and all you ever hope is that you could be half that good, a quarter, but are you....??
Mostly you just have to work through them. Ignore them. Push positive crap threw your head. (Stop ready all that good stuff). All this is out there, that’s what people saw when they come across doubts.
But I’m a pessimist, I’m down on myself as a life goal—not really, but you get the drift as what I’m getting at? No! Ha, yeah I’m pretty bad at this aren’t I. really, I should just give up. but I’m stubborn, really, it’s not a fun place to be in my head, not at the moment, and I’m pretty happy with my life.
Seriously, when I’m not thinking about the hundred ways my family and defacto can die; it’s a good time for my head. Sad as it is. What do you do when doubt knocks you for six?
It’s sad because my own reasoning behind it is to tell the voice to shut the fuck up and I continue on. But I’ve been told by a couple of people now that I really have to get myself up and start sending shit out. I’m not ready yet, but that’s my problem. Still, it’s left me with a fact. What am I really writing about? And is it relevant? Are people going to like it for this, or for that, or are they gonna hate it because there isn’t anything in them?
I just don’t seem to feel as if I’m actually got any goal that people deal with in life—hell, I’m writing a whole collection that’s destined to make you feel better about your life, not fix anything. It’s all about living threw rather than it being fixed, ‘cause let’s face it, Teen years...what gets fixed? At the end of the day it’s all about knowing that there’s something to life threw those horrid years, and that’s what my collection is about. But is that good enough? Will people like them for this fact? Or will they crash and burn because I can’t give them a....goal.
I just feel—especially with that series—that being an adult is excepting life as it’s given to you and working on living threw it. Isn’t it? Shit doesn’t land on your doorstep. And you life isn’t going to be lived, you aren’t going to be happy unless you realise that life sucks, there isn’t a lot you can do but live it and realise there something worth living the shit you’ve been put through.
That’s my opinion about it all, but will that get me published. I really want to get published. But more so, I want people to actually like to read my books. I want to have stories that people crave to read. To want sneak peeks at the next one. To love my characters as much as I love them.
Am I asking too much? Probably, but I want to be a writer because I want to give people something to read. I want them to be able to step out of their own lives and jump into someone else’s. But am I good enough to give them that?

Topic two (above was one, yeah, ‘cause I knew there was more to say before I let myself run off like that) is..... shit, ah....give me a min I’m sure it’ll come back to me....
Oh, yeah, I’m really crap at writing Alpha males, especially Alpha males that don’t have woman who are just, if not more, stronger than them. I find my feminism comes through strong in me characters because, let’s face it, we have it good, but not perfect, why are we letting author push us back into a mindset of the 12th century?
The worst thing with this is I know if I wrote a book with a strong Alpha character and a lame ass female lead I’ll probably be loved more, my book would sell more and I’d be in. but really woman of the world, realise the position you’re in. as a nation, we aren’t beheaded for abusing a male back. We aren’t slashed up because the men feel like it. We are allowed to talk whenever the fuck we want and have opinions and jobs and a life that’s all our own. There are a lot of people in the world that aren’t allowed that, really, ever seen Tribal Women? You should.
I just can’t have my woman not know what’s happening with their own bodied, and the whole, first orgasm was with my soul mate just after I realised I felt like that towards another, is such fucking bullshit. Really, its common knowledge that woman just don’t get off that easily, not unless they themselves understand what they need to get there. And more so, why the hell shouldn’t we know how to get ourselves off? guys can, and are encouraged to, why not women, really, I’ve always been under the impression, male and female, that you should know your own body before you let someone else understand, like yeah, you don’t have to understand it all, there are things that need to be learnt with someone else, but the basics, the fundamental factors of your bodies, you should know.
            Again, really sorry, I’ve talked about this before, but I’ve been reading the re-caps of Fifty Shades of Grey and have looked at things a little differently and so this point is in the front of my mind.

Number three—it’s the last, promise—I’ve notice that I talk very Aussie. This is a great thing, I actually love this about myself and it’s one of the things that I’ll never let anyone take away from my books (long heated topic kinda like the one above so I’m skipping it. see, me skipping it....) but I do go into a Aussie jive with things and words, phrases. I think it’s cool since I watch a lot of American shows/movies, I read a lot of American books, and still I keep my Aussie. Yeah! Since there are times I don’t talk it. I fuck up and say something that’s very American, but at least I catch it in myself when I say it.
Sorry, but it just feels wrong, which is why I catch it.

Let’s end this, hey, but you see what I mean....
Got nothing to write, what so ever....I’m pathetic, really?!
It’s just really hard to write one thing, and stick to it. Maybe too, is the fact that I don’t know what you want to read, so my chose isn’t concreted on getting published? Maybe. Who the hell knows, I’ll just keep on going the way things are and hope for the best. At least I got a few different types of books from them to choose from, I just hope when the time comes I’ll hand over the right one.

Why this ended up being 2 week longer: I got the flu, came in on the 10th and lasted until...well, today, to be honest. At least this is the first day that I’ve been able to sit at a computer for longer than a second. So that’s pushed me back a lot. Good news though I can’t wait to get back to writing I have ideas and processes that should help me get through the rest of this book, though I’m still a little lost of what the place looks like and all that crap, but hey, we’ll see what comes out since I probably won’t be able to start writing til Tuesday, home life shit and all.

Hey, do any of you know what the picture is called when you look at it one way and its one pic then you turn and look at it from a slightly different angle and it’s a different pic??
Really I can’t think of its name and it’s bugging the shit out of me, so if you can help.

Ending Paragraph
{The same as the starting one, only the last line you wrote}
Name, book, page number

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