Wednesday 19 February 2014

Death in the Family

I honestly still have nothing to say, it’s been one of those weeks and it looks as if it may become worse if my Gran (who has been lost in Alzheimer’s, and I mean lost, since ’09) has stopped eating and drinking. If she doesn’t start up against soon (I mean by the time this has been posted) they don’t believe she will and so by Friday she will pass away as you can only live for 3 days without water.
Now, I’m not sure what you are all think about me after I talk about this, but I need to, so…
I’m having mixed emotions about the whole thing. It’s kinda like when my Grandad died, I felt this detached sort of loss. Like I didn’t think it was honestly affecting me, but I kept on having to say that he was dead.
That one was a sudden thing, though we were all waiting for it. We all knew he’d only last until a certain day, and in the end he was so over being alive, that when he pasted it was a relief.
This is going to happen with my Gran.
She had been lost inside her own blank mind since my Aunty died of cancer. She ended up going into a home not long after and when you look at her, well, she was like a kid in wrinkled skin. There was just nothing there, no memories of life she’d live, of people she loved, birthed, raised.
It’s a sad disease and I think in a lot of ways it’s painful to watch and yet Gran is a month to 8 children and because of that she’s got a lot of people wanting her to die while needing her to hang on.
So when I got the phone call from my dad telling me Gran wasn’t eating or drinking I had this moment of happiness, of relief because as long as her body doesn’t decide it wants to go another turn she gets freedom from this disease and it’s entrapment.
This didn’t last long, it’s not because of her, I fully believe what I said before, I would have to be in that situation and it would only be for the sack of my kids that I don’t OD as soon as I’m diagnosed. Yeah I’m going to miss Gran but in a lot of ways she hasn’t been here and I’ve spent time to get use to that. We have had family events when I usually see her and have her not be there. To have those moments of sadness that she isn’t there, and that she should be to have her passing not be as horribly sad as it could be.
But she’s not going to be here soon. She’s not going to be a morning memory we have—though at least, unlike my Aunty and my Granda, it’s not going to be a Christmas time event (we were getting worried, that Christmas Deaths were going to be catching)
I’m sad for my mum.
This is the point I was meant to make before, but, I feel you can understand my muddleness even if I seem like a heartless bitch. I feel the same way to, but I feel, I just have to find the silver lighting in all tragedy to make it not sit on my chest and slowly crush me (a trick I learnt for dealing with depression)
My mum just went through her second dose of Chemo. She’s not as bad as what she was, but it’s only been a few days and this first week her mind and body isn’t fit for dealing with anything but the tragedy of what she’s going through, so to have this dumped on her…
She’s sick, she’s still sleeping more than she’s awake, and she gets a phone call that her mother was unlikely to make it to the end of the week.
Don’t get me wrong, she’s not holding Grans hand and telling her to hold on, quite the opposite, but she still wants to go and see her before her death.
To say goodbye.
Well I think that’s it, I’m feeling a little better, but she hasn’t actually passed yet so things will probably get worse before they get better, and I will most likely be going to a funeral next week.
I think the worse thing about the whole thing is how excited I am by the prospect of putting a relative into the ground. But she needs to be free to go and live behind those purly gates (that’s what the Catholic’s believe right?) instead of being trapped in a body.
anyway I think that’s it, sorry if it make less sense than normal, and hopefully I’ll be in a better mood next week
Update the incorrect information: my Grandad died in 2012 not this year…I remember I got the message at one of my kids friends b’day party. So I haven’t cried for 1 year 3 months

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