“Not the best. You?” I reply
This is me, how I’ve been
feeling. However it wasn’t until one of my mates was talking to me about
someone else that I realised that’s exactly how the last 4 months have been
like for me, maybe the whole year.
Wishy washy.
I have excuses. Excuses I’ve
been telling others, but more so excuses I’ve been telling myself. Money has
been the main problem, it’s spun me in a hard loop, and most probably what I’ve
been dealing with is a heavy dose of depression, one I’ve managed to have for
so long I’ve worked myself into a state that I’m able to live a semi-normal
life, though I’m feeling very little. I’m doing very little. I want to do less.
It’s the type I haven’t been
in since I was in high school, telling myself it’s just teenage blues and I’ll
get over it, I’ll grow out of it. Yeah learning it was more than just teenage
hormones was a tough bitch to swallow, but I did. And I did in a way that came
with me not wanting to stay quiet about it. If I’m having a bad day I’m going to
tell you. In so many words.
I even had a moment where I
thought it was just the new diet I was on, which in all honestly this moment
here has everything to do with it. I’m taking iron, I’m getting energy, I’m
realising what I have is worse then what I’ve experienced in a long time, and
more so different.
I normally always thought of
my depression as standing on the edge of a bridge which in itself is odd, and
probably one of the reasons why I don’t man made heights, huh…. Anyway, I’ve always
taken that thought with me, but the whole staircase analogy everyone else uses
works. Or normally does, this depression seems different. This one has seeped into my skin, making its
way right into my middle and it’s been like that for a long time. Hell, if I’m
honest with myself it was in there right before my birthday. Maybe even a few
weeks before. And it’s not looking like its going to budge any time soon. I
like to say am trying to work on it, and truly I am, I’m taking iron supplement
that are, in a way, working, but if I’m honest until I get my finances, worked
out, until I’m in a new house or am secure in this house once more. Until I get
the money to get a new computer, to pay off my parents. Until life is once
again ruled only by the next day week, and not me wondering if we’ll actually
be able to do Christmas, let along go on holidays, I’ll probably never be able
to truly let it go, because this one is stress, full stop, and you can’t stop
stressing when there are things to stress about. You can’t let go when there’s
a fear you won’t have a roof over my families head. Let’s face it, I’ve doing
my best to live in this moment in this part of life, not to worry, because yes
everything will work out, it had for the last 10 years and it will for the
upcoming, but that doesn’t mean the stress isn’t still there
And now I’ll stop
I’m truly sorry if I have
broken trust in people over this year, with not getting things back in a timely
manner. Honestly I understand if you want to pick others to read your books,
but in all honestly other than a few I’ve taken already, I’m actually going to
decline everything else until October, I have 30K I must write, that I want to write and I think it’s too much for me
to focus on more then what I have to. I am stressed, and I’m not coping with it
very well, therefore I need to stop, focus, and get through the next month
because after October I’m freer, like yeah I still need to write, but it’s not
as cut throat as what it is now. I want to get 20K done before I go on
holidays, but if I don’t it’s all good, the book needs to be in beta edits by
the end of December.
By the time I go on holidays. No
when I go on holidays I’m going to
leave all this behind. When I go on holidays, I’m hoping to have legitimate
reasons for me to brush it all away. I want to get batter. I want to be better.
And knowing this is what it is will help, knowing I’ve gone very far… what do
they say down the staircase. Mostly, though, it means I’m aware of it and I’ll
do what I can to make myself better. I’m already taking steps, I’m already
waking up, but it’s a long road back to the top, and it’s hard. So hard.
It’s hard, it’s stressful on
it’s own and it’s scary because if I fall I’m sinking to a level that may be
too far away to help, and I’ve never been that low before. Okay, well, I’m not
been that low since I was 20 and holding my son knowing, knowing with all my
heart, that he’d be better off without me. But it’s not true, not then, not
know and I don’t want to feel that low again.
Never again. And I won’t, but
it’s a long way to the sun and even when I get there I won’t know how beautiful
it is, which makes climbing a little harder. Because joy isn’t truly joy. Happiness
is as happy as I’ll ever get and that’s all I’ve waiting for me up there. But
down here. it’s not a good place, so I’ll climb and I’ll deal and I’ve live
until the day that I’m free.
Just a note, because this post
has a perpetual of being seen as if I could do something very bad to myself but
until I stop social media completely (fb that is). I mean like you don’t hear
from me for a week or two with no reason at all then, and only then, should you
be worried. If that time comes contact April Kelley and ask her what’s
happening I talk to her daily, and she has my numbers, she’ll know what’s
happening and/or how to get in contact with me.
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