Wishy Washy

“How are you today?” you ask

“Not the best. You?” I reply

This is me, how I’ve been feeling. However it wasn’t until one of my mates was talking to me about someone else that I realised that’s exactly how the last 4 months have been like for me, maybe the whole year.

Wishy washy.

I have excuses. Excuses I’ve been telling others, but more so excuses I’ve been telling myself. Money has been the main problem, it’s spun me in a hard loop, and most probably what I’ve been dealing with is a heavy dose of depression, one I’ve managed to have for so long I’ve worked myself into a state that I’m able to live a semi-normal life, though I’m feeling very little. I’m doing very little. I want to do less.

It’s the type I haven’t been in since I was in high school, telling myself it’s just teenage blues and I’ll get over it, I’ll grow out of it. Yeah learning it was more than just teenage hormones was a tough bitch to swallow, but I did. And I did in a way that came with me not wanting to stay quiet about it. If I’m having a bad day I’m going to tell you. In so many words.

I even had a moment where I thought it was just the new diet I was on, which in all honestly this moment here has everything to do with it. I’m taking iron, I’m getting energy, I’m realising what I have is worse then what I’ve experienced in a long time, and more so different.

I normally always thought of my depression as standing on the edge of a bridge which in itself is odd, and probably one of the reasons why I don’t man made heights, huh…. Anyway, I’ve always taken that thought with me, but the whole staircase analogy everyone else uses works. Or normally does, this depression seems different.  This one has seeped into my skin, making its way right into my middle and it’s been like that for a long time. Hell, if I’m honest with myself it was in there right before my birthday. Maybe even a few weeks before. And it’s not looking like its going to budge any time soon. I like to say am trying to work on it, and truly I am, I’m taking iron supplement that are, in a way, working, but if I’m honest until I get my finances, worked out, until I’m in a new house or am secure in this house once more. Until I get the money to get a new computer, to pay off my parents. Until life is once again ruled only by the next day week, and not me wondering if we’ll actually be able to do Christmas, let along go on holidays, I’ll probably never be able to truly let it go, because this one is stress, full stop, and you can’t stop stressing when there are things to stress about. You can’t let go when there’s a fear you won’t have a roof over my families head. Let’s face it, I’ve doing my best to live in this moment in this part of life, not to worry, because yes everything will work out, it had for the last 10 years and it will for the upcoming, but that doesn’t mean the stress isn’t still there

And now I’ll stop

I’m truly sorry if I have broken trust in people over this year, with not getting things back in a timely manner. Honestly I understand if you want to pick others to read your books, but in all honestly other than a few I’ve taken already, I’m actually going to decline everything else until October, I have 30K I must write, that I want to write and I think it’s too much for me to focus on more then what I have to. I am stressed, and I’m not coping with it very well, therefore I need to stop, focus, and get through the next month because after October I’m freer, like yeah I still need to write, but it’s not as cut throat as what it is now. I want to get 20K done before I go on holidays, but if I don’t it’s all good, the book needs to be in beta edits by the end of December.

By the time I go on holidays. No when I go on holidays I’m going to leave all this behind. When I go on holidays, I’m hoping to have legitimate reasons for me to brush it all away. I want to get batter. I want to be better. And knowing this is what it is will help, knowing I’ve gone very far… what do they say down the staircase. Mostly, though, it means I’m aware of it and I’ll do what I can to make myself better. I’m already taking steps, I’m already waking up, but it’s a long road back to the top, and it’s hard. So hard.

It’s hard, it’s stressful on it’s own and it’s scary because if I fall I’m sinking to a level that may be too far away to help, and I’ve never been that low before. Okay, well, I’m not been that low since I was 20 and holding my son knowing, knowing with all my heart, that he’d be better off without me. But it’s not true, not then, not know and I don’t want to feel that low again.

Never again. And I won’t, but it’s a long way to the sun and even when I get there I won’t know how beautiful it is, which makes climbing a little harder. Because joy isn’t truly joy. Happiness is as happy as I’ll ever get and that’s all I’ve waiting for me up there. But down here. it’s not a good place, so I’ll climb and I’ll deal and I’ve live until the day that I’m free.

Just a note, because this post has a perpetual of being seen as if I could do something very bad to myself but until I stop social media completely (fb that is). I mean like you don’t hear from me for a week or two with no reason at all then, and only then, should you be worried. If that time comes contact April Kelley and ask her what’s happening I talk to her daily, and she has my numbers, she’ll know what’s happening and/or how to get in contact with me.