So… little worried about this, it’s my first character interview and I’ll tell you its really weird because in one way I’m, what interviewing myself, and another way I’m not. It’s really weird to get your head around. Then there’s the point that I’ve never done an interview before. Hell, I’ve hardly ever read any, so there’s the fear that nothing that will come with be interesting, still, this is what I’ve got, you wanna meet the boys?
Note: this interview was conducted before the book finished and I haven't been able to schedule an update yet. Too much calendar conflict, though I'm hoping to get something out of them the Christmas Party
Hello gentlemen, while don’t you introduce yourself for us
Matt, grinning: seems a little like an support meeting, hey, I’m Matt and I’ve got prostate cancer, I’m average height, with brown hair, blue—
Paul laughs cutting Matt off: and I’m Paul, the caregiver
Before we really get into things, why don’t you promote yourselves a little so we can understand why we should care?
Paul sighs: our story is short, its starts with finding out Matt is sick and how we deal with that fact
Matt scoffs, hitting Paul: you’re full of shit Paul. Like, yeah that’s the bare bones of things. I am sick, what we know now, very, but it’s about Paul realising he loves me and can’t live without me. It’s about the fact that in a moment of total terror on my side this man decided to change the rules and let me know how he felt.
I guess it was sweet, and man do I love him, had since the moment I laid eyes on him, but hell, it’s stressful being sick, especially from a sickness you try really hard not to think yourself into having when it’s most likely you do.
Paul: now you’re not making any fucking sense.
Let’s go like this, because I think it’s the easiest way to say it. This book is about love, mine for Matt. About me pulling my head out of my arse, and coming clean before I lose him. Which, if you think about it is a bit fucked up, especially when that person you love might not live much longer.
Sorry if I’m making it seem complex, but the prostate cancer is a part of it. it’s a part of what brings us together, but it’s not the main point, hell, we only really share those moments from going to the doctor and coming out with the test results, which is surprisingly short window in time.
Saying this, it’s a love story, it’s got a happily ever after, and is about my overbearing feelings and his need for me in his life to look after him, because cancer is scary.
Where are you now, Matt, did they get it all?
Matt grips Paul’s hand: ah, yeah, we caught it early so it had only really effected one side of my prostate and it was located to the one area, so they cut it out and I’m in my third round of Chemo at the moment.
And how are you feeling?
Matt: it’s been… I feel like shit, sleeping more than I’m awake, and even when I am, I have no energy. I have no fluids in my body, ‘cause the Chemo destroys all that so I’m constipated and that makes me feel worse. I don’t really care about anything, I’ll just sit there looking into space, not a thought in my head.
Paul: we had been told the worse and so far, he’s been pretty good, though that first week is always hard, he’s sick and lost.
I won’t lie, it gets scary sometimes. He’ll just sit there, not seeing anything, not saying anything, just sits until he’s eyes start to drop and then he’s off to bed again.
Is that normal?
Paul: the support program people say so, it’s kinda person-to-person, and it might be a lot different if we knew each other more. If we’d spent more time together, because all I want to do is get to know him, and for most of the week, he’s not really with me.
And now I sound like I’m bitching
Matt smiled: a little.
Paul returns the smile: fucker.
It’s one of those things, even though we’ve been seeing each other for a long time, it’s all brand new again but having to go through something like this. it’s stressful and it’s heartbreaking because you see this person you love, this bright light at the uttermost lowest, and because it’s so new a lot of the time I don’t feel like I should be there, like I shouldn’t be the one holding his hand, sitting next to him. Just being in a room so he doesn’t have to feel alone.
Yet, I don’t want to leave, and not just because he has no one else to look after him, but because this is a low, and me being here means something. It shows that since I’m here through sickness I’m going to be awesome at health.
I know it’s selfish of me, but I can’t not be here for him. I can’t not sit by his side and think and hope that when he’s better we’ll be able to start that life he wants so much. Because we will, this isn’t going to beat him, and it’s certainly not going to beat me.
I’m here for good. Then Paul leans in and kisses Matt, just a brush, against slightly parted lips.
Matt takes a deep breath: and that’s why I love this man. He sounds chocked up, proud.
I’ve spoken to a lot of people who know surprising little about prostate cancer, but from what I knew it was something that happened to older men
Matt: and that’s one of the hug misconceptions about the disease, like yeah, the old you are the more likely to get it, but it’s like all cancer, anyone at any time can get it. My father got it when he was in his forties, and lucky me I get to have it in my twenties.
Paul: it’s kinda like breast cancer, I believe, that by a certain age everyone needs to be tested, because, like Matt said the likely hood and all. However, if there’s strong family history then you testing age becomes a younger age.
Now saying this, Matt wouldn’t have even thought of being tested for it, at his age. Hell, most men his age wouldn’t have gone in as early as he did—I know I wouldn’t—and that’s one of the biggest reason for men dying that we don’t go and get tested, therefore by the time it’s effecting us and we have no chose, it’s already too late.
And saying this, they leave it until it’s in the blood, or the bones, and that’s when your truly fucked.
We were lucky, not only for the fact that Matt’s was caught early enough that it was still isolated, but that only one part of his prostate was infected, which means that he’s sex life wasn’t nearly as affected by the procedure as a lot of men’s are.
Matt: which is a big relief, I’ll tell you
Paul: it’s not more an old man’s disease and any of the cancer are. Yeah, things can happen or you can do something that makes your likelihood of getting cancer stronger, but that doesn’t mean if you don’t do those things that you’re free.
Cancer isn’t picky, it’ll take anyone, and we are lucky, as well as still in the dark ages when it comes to prostate cancer. It may only be a blood test to determine if you have it or not, but you still have to go for a biopsy and that’s… well, yeah… doesn’t sound pleasant.
Matt: doesn’t fucking feel it either
All right I feel it’s getting long and we should wrap up this chat, I’m not sure what else to ask that isn’t going to give the whole book away, lol, but is there anything else you guys want to say before we wrap up
Paul: read the book, visit the site, and make sure yourself and your men are looking after their bodies, they only have one, and it ain’t pleasant going through what we are. not that we could have helped it, but I’m for one am glad beyond words, that I’ll still have Matt for many many years after all this is over.
Matt looks at Paul: okay…
Paul: what, it’s true.
Matt: never said it wasn’t
Also, read the book, it’s a short read that is sweet and important and we are happy in our ever after, promise.
And just a little reminder, here’s the book details again *smiles* thanks for checking in with us. We hope you enjoy our story
When everything Paul had ever known turned upside down, suddenly he needs to man up and fight for the love he’s always feared.
Paul’s life was set. He had what he needed and what he was comfortable with. Then a night with one of his regular lovers pulls him into the drama of sickness, love, and death.
In the end, Paul needs to work a few things out first: Is he strong enough to fall in love with a man that may need more than he’s able to give, or will he fall into old habits and run when the relationship gets too complicated?
Love Without Knowing It by Bronwyn Heeley
Publish 1 November 2014 by Bony Dee
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Note: though the month of November 2014 all profits from this book will be donated to the Movember charity