Thursday 8 September 2016

Blinking Away the Darkness

A week or so ago, I can’t remember, but I wrote a post – this one – about how I realised I was depressed? It was a dark one, something a bit different then what I normally see these days and very much about the amount of stress in my life.

It’s been two weeks and I’m more or less back to my bubbly self. I laugh, as I finished writing that, but really I can actually be bubbly is I wish to be. Just because it’s mostly an act doesn’t mean I can’t do it. That it isn’t authentically me. Just a more then what I really feel.

I’m one of the lucky ones, I feel it’s because my mind is actually very strong, despite the fact that I have depression. So coming to the realisation that I was depressed was more or less what I needed in order to snap me out of it.
Okay, there was more. Taking Iron was a start, 3 weeks before my body started showing me it wasn’t needed anymore, and that’s a horrible thought, normally it’s only a week.

Now that I’m out of it, I have these moments of trying to remember what I was like back then, back in those days, what did I do? How did I act? Clearly it couldn’t have been that different or my loved ones, my sister the most, would have noticed. Why her? Because I see her weekly, my family, the ones I live with see me too much. As for me, my depression is slow riding, it would have taken me a week or so to get that bad, and I was trying to fool myself so of course I was able to fool those who saw me every day. My mother and father I don’t see as much, not nearly enough to see a different, or to see it as something that wasn’t just a mood I was in at that time. I also believe I had a cold or something in that time too, or I thought it was that. Maybe. Hell I can’t remember, and that’s the point.

I can’t remember.

I can’t remember what I thought, what I did. I know most of it was sleeping and doing what I HAD to in order to live, in order to let my kids have the best of their childhood without me pulling them down. It’s something I try really hard to always do best by them, like every parent out there does.

I can’t remember anything. There was nothing important in life through those weeks, or because my head was so messed up it’s disregarded everything that happened. Everything that went on as non-important.

Now, this is clearly what has happened every time I’ve gotten depressed, but normally it’s a different kind, a sharper kind that belittles me, shows itself as something. Where this one didn’t. I didn’t even wake up as I noticed I was drooling at the wall all day. No it was work that clued me on, even though hundreds of other things should have.

Anyway, my point, though I’m not sure I actually have one, is that I’m back. I’m not perfect, never would be, but more so I have to be very careful with everything I do and what’s going on around me. I have to double check things, check my own thoughts as I’m not sure if it’s because I’m stressing or because my head wants to pull me back down.

I am still stressed, that’s definitely won’t lighten up we move house, it’s a hope this will happen before October, but until we get our kick out letter I’m trying not to stress too much about it. Trying to not let it get to me. I’m trying not to let anything get to me. It’s hard though, my head is trying to make things bigger then what they need to be, but the illness in my head is…anyway just repeating myself, but here’s the update.


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