Read This Week #60

The deal with all those books I’ve read this week

Adult Corner #34

This posting is for ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY.

It contains substantial sexually explicit scenes and graphic language which may be considered offensive by some readers.

I still can’t write anything

Life as it is has me questioning a lot of things.

Not like you think. I’m not questioning this, I want this, I want to spend my life writing, if I can.

I want this to be my day job, but we’ll see what happens with that, and, well, life.

No, I’m questioning myself.

Let’s start from the beginning, and maybe this will help.

Yesterday I went to the doctors for my 6 week check-up of my Mirena. And I knew, before I went up there that day that I was going to ask for an appointment, or a referral, anything, to get my depression diagnosed, because I feel it’s time in my life that I really should. and it would be good in so many ways. I’d be able to get a shit load more help when if I finally slip up and let myself drown in my own misery.

Anyway, I knew this, weeks, before. I knew this going in. I was going to ask about it. I was going to make that step and finally get help. Only…

Well, I was really happy yesterday. And thinking of it now, I was overly happy.

I wasn’t nervous about the appointment that I was going to. I always get nervous. Like I think I have the day/time/place, wrong with everything that I have to go at. It makes my hands shake, I think because I forget to probably breath and all that.

Anyway, I got none of that. I was happy, carefree, and even though it wasn’t particularly unusual for me, it was for the environment that I was heading into.

But, like with many things I’ve gotten my brain to react in certain ways to certain things. If there’s something around me that I believe I shouldn’t be seeing, I won’t, even if I see everything, the information just gets stored in my brain as something different until I’m willing to look at it the way I should have before (I’m actually really good at reading people).

It seems the same thing happens to me when I’m in front of a doctor and it’s about my depression.

It’s like that defensiveness pulls up and it smothers me in feelings that aren’t what I’m feeling but they may not be what I’m really feeling, not at that moment.

It’s like because I’ve hidden it. Because I’ve lived a life, that yeah, I can openly speak about it to everyone, but I don’t actually want you to see it in me. I’ve never wanted you to see that in me, so I’m not going to show you it.

Sorry, I’m rambling.

The things is I kinda feel like I don’t have a right to be depressed. That I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I know.

I know deep inside my heart that it’s that diseased part of my mind telling me this, but the fucker has a point.

And the internet, isn’t helping me with this. Because the ones that speak up. The news. Just general information out there shows that I really don’t have a reason for why I feel the way I do. For why life shouldn’t be all lollypops and sunshine all the time, because to a lot of people in the world, that’s what my life looks like. That’s what my life should feel like.

There is absolutely nothing traumatic in my life. I’ve got a loving family, that will accept me no matter what I want to do with my life. Or who I want to do that with.

I have great kids, and a partner I can see myself being with til death do us part.

And I feel because of all these qualities that I don’t deserve to say I have depression. I don’t deserve to have depression.

Anyway, I did the small test, and predictable I got all 6 and 7’s because I don’t think, well, it wouldn’t have been right for me to get any higher, would it? But now, thinking back, I’m not having a good day, and I haven’t for a long time. But even as I went on the test, on line, I still get the same. It’s like I’m incapable of knowing what I’m really feeling. Of what my number is, because that would mean that I am. For no reason at all. My brain just wants to be like this, and I don’t feel as if I have the right.

And how fuck up is that? You don’t need a reason to be depressed. Yeah, a lot of depressant come from traumatic events, and those can be the most deadly because they are quick depression.

My, if I need to put it into a category. If I really need to have a reason behind why I’m like this, it’s because I have suffered years upon years of a reading disorder that has made it hard for me to have full confidence in myself in any area of growing up, but most defiantly in my school life, since that thrives of the written word.

I have had self-esteem problems before I’ve had to hide how dumb I was, even as I screamed about it at the top of my lung—hell, maybe I’ve had worse problems because I’ve never been able to hide them, but I couldn’t tell you, I’ve only ever been this way, and I don’t believe my sister had it any easier as she could hide hers.

I have school teacher telling me it was my own fault I was like this, because they couldn’t be bothered seeing me as anything but a statistics. Worse, an attitude that made it impossible for anyone to help me, for them to see me as anything but at statistic.

By the time I hit high school I was already lost. I didn’t care anymore, I worked around the fact that I couldn’t read/spell and I was creating a life for me, most wouldn’t have even bothered about.

But you don’t really need to know all this.

What you needed to know, maybe, is that it doesn’t matter why you have depression, you are yourself and even if there isn’t a reason behind it, that doesn’t make yours any less real then someone who has the scares as proof.

Don’t let yourself become like me, a person who can’t break down the walls enough to get help for it.

That’s all (and sorry I didn’t really stay on topic)

Thanks.

Oh, and if you feel you have depression, or any other of those related mental illnesses and wish to make certain of gather information, because of someone else in your life, you should check out Black Dog Institute epically if your Australian (cause that's who it's from)

..

“A Kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.”

–Ingrid Bergmen

Hadn’t the Pleasure #73

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it

 

Nick Colton was a spoiled rich kid when he ran away from Seattle, leaving his best friend and lover Alex Diaz behind. Ten years later, he’s back.

He says he’s there to donate bone marrow for his half-sister, but Alex knows there’s more to it than that. Alex wants to protect himself and everyone else from Nick’s plans, but he needs to spend time with the man in order to figure out what he’s up to. And the more time they spend together, the more Alex realizes that his own attraction to Nick is far from resolved.

Nick is bent on revenge, Alex is trying to maintain his straight and conservative lifestyle, but neither of them can forget what they used to have and what they might, someday, be able to have again.

Poor Little Rich Boy by Kate Sherwood

First published 3rd September 2012

iBook, 198 pages

Contemporary Romance 

“Is Alex already gone?” Nick Colton was too hung over to care about much, but his best friend’s well-being was important enough to penetrate his misery.

Learnt Something New (gay history month)

So, I read somewhere that it was Gay History Month and it got me thinking. What is Australian history. I knew that it wouldn’t be all that much, simply because we aren’t that new a place, and a lot more because the White half of us are British biased, and weren’t they still hanging men in those days?

Yeah, so you see how much I know, which is sad in a lot of ways, but well move on and hope the future well change that, even if I have to wait until I’m turning to dust in my grave.

Update, the Update

So I feel that the reason that That’s Different… #2 isn’t coming to me all that clear, though I have it plotted, I know what I want to write. I just can’t seem to get in the mood for it.

I’ve looked it up. Read about it, and still I can’t seem to want to write it out. I can’t seem to get into the mood for this to work. So I’m giving it up. or pushing it back. I feel that it’s to high up on the BDSM totem pole for me to start it with the second chapter, even if I wasn’t planning on strapping him down on it (there was going to be a later part: Strapped to Spanking Bench)

Still, something inside me is stopping this part. Yeah, I’m not enjoying watching it, mostly because it seems when you have it on porn sites—hell, a lot of blogs that I’ve visited (and most of the more interesting, or more informative, I’ve been able to find are on women being strapped to one), seem to focus mostly on the humiliation of being strapped down. On the fact that anyone could walk in. could watch and you don’t have a chose in the matter.

I understand that it’s true. That that is part of it, I’ve heard the way the men talk to the one strapped down, and I understand, on some level (that’s my own, I can’t tell you wants going on in their heads) that that’s what they are after being in that position, or why wouldn’t they allow themselves to be filmed that way.

And if haven’t had a chose, and it’s not something they want. Well that’s something completely different, and I’d rather not know that I’ve accentually just wanted spousal abuse.

Now, most of all this is so that I can get a little research into the lifestyle, because in some sense, I quite enjoy writing that type of scene more than I thought I would. Hell, I quite like reading it, if the author is being respectful to both parties, and even when there screaming abuse at one, it’s still showing in the text that they care for both.

I’m getting a little windy about this whole thing.

It’s just I feel that I may as well tell you the reason that I am forgoing the following blog story—this part of the story for the time being until it is time that he can be strapped down, along with Jem.

 

I’m not sure where I’m head now, if it’s only going to be a once off story, though I’d still, very much like a three part, so that I can still put it through Nov, but maybe I’ll write a short on for next month, and a 3 part Christmas blog story. One that is something, maybe, altogether different, but a story all the same.

 so, anyway, I wasted my day as I went through with research before I figured this shit out. but maybe now, the story will come, and it will flow in a way that it hadn't before, and I can get it the hell over with.  

Anyway, till next time…

Stuck in Your Head # 68

I’m going to give you the line from the books I’ve read that make my mind crave the rest like chocolate & Coke.

“Sit and rest while the other idiots find out that they are idiots,” he ordered. As easily as that, he saw something settle inside Steffan. page 66, iBook

The Mark of an Alpha by Kim Dare

(Pack Discipline #1)

First Published 4th January 2010 by Total-e-bound

Paranormal BDSM Romance

 

Book one in the Pack Discipline Series Dominance and submission mean different things to werewolves than to humans. Once Marsdon and Bennett try things the human way nothing can ever be the same for them again. Werewolf tradition is very clear. The alpha pair is the corner stone of the pack. Equality between the alphas is everything. Alphas mate with alphas. Human leather clubs work to different rules. Dominants mate with submissives. Power is exchanged freely and for the ultimate pleasure of all. Sometimes the most alpha men in the club find happiness with the most omega men. And sometimes the omegas are more than they first appear to be. A wolf might be able to hide his identity and play anonymously in those clubs for a little while, but he can't ignore reality forever. Marsdon and Bennett have lives to get back to, they have packs to return to...they have wolfen traditions to follow. They have just one more night together before they have to lose each other forever. All they can do now, is make the most of it. Reader Advisory: This book contains both human and werewolf styles of dominance and submission. This book also contains blood play and non-sexual violence

 

Series includes

The Strength of a Gamma, The Duty of a Beta, The Love of a Mate

Just a little update

I know you probably don’t care, as I’m not anyone yet, but I thought I’d give you a little update into what my next month will look like.

First up, I have to write 2 blog stories.

1.      Being that For You #3 : Halloween

This one is, of course a story for that day, which means it will get posted on the day, so it has to be done. Good thing is that it doesn’t really have to be all that long. I’m heading at 6k on the outside, but want it to be shorter.

·         I also really want to write out the last one with this one so it’s all set (but I’m not that rushed)

2.      That’s Different… #2 : Spanking Bench

This short story will have three 1k chapters’ type things, that’s what’s been plotted, and honestly I don’t think I can skim over this in one posting.

I also want to buy a eBook program for my computer, I’m told there’s one out there, so that I can get all these edited and have them up for free in all types of ebooks, though that probably won’t happen until next year

It’s the reason I want Being that for You finished as soon as possible so that it can come out with the last chapter.

I’m hoping to get back my short story My Kevin sometimes this week so that I can fix up the problems my beta has found and start looking for a publishing company to submit it too.

Anyone got any ideas. It’s a contemporary romance that’s the POV talking about his history. My beta said it’s good, that it works.

My big working projects this month are:

1.      Hunting a Traitor (Assassin Union #1)

I have renewed interest in this series because I wrote a short story about the characters. Though it was placed after book 2 I still haven’t finished this one.

I’d like to submit this to Total-e-bound, before the end of the year, but I might hold off until I write book 2 as well, depending on what the publishers are looking at around Christmas time.

2.      Book A

I still haven’t named this one. it’s only going to be around 10k and it’s based on a undercover cop trying to come out of his long assignment, and ends up falling in love with a shrink. It’s a little instant love, being so little words, and the fact that they only just met, so we’ll see how that works out (I’m not a fan of writing this sort of stuff).

I started this one at the end of last week, and it’s still gripping me. It’s only little, about a week’s work, depending on how many hours I can spend writing it. But there’s a whole lot of research that will have to come after it (though I’m thinking of having my beta read it and see what she says)

I still have to talk to my sister, in debt, about Falling in Love with Forever, and I’d love to start this book, but it’s going to be in the 30-40k mark, so it’s probably going to take me a few months to get it all out. But I’m looking forward to start it. More so than anything I’ve writing since I first start.

This one holds a shit load of meaning, and I want to get it right.

It would also be nice to start—or continue writing The Rub of me Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #6) since my sister said I should stop writing and wait at 7 books, and I’ve stopped at 5.

And seeing as I have all these books plotted already, they just need to be written I may as well putter along with them, that way they can go out when they need to. I’m just not going to spend all my time with them.

I want to be known. I want to be out there. and I feel the only way that will happen is if I can get as many books as I can up and running so that there’s a selection in a lot of different publishers, that way, if what you see of my first isn’t to your liking, maybe I’ll have something out that is.

Anyway, I think that’s all, thanks for this, I feel better with it off my chest, and a clear set line of what I’m about to do. Why I need to do them, and where I’m starting off this month.

I really hope my sickness at the moment doesn’t stuff it all up for me.

I guess we’ll see.

Till next time…

Oh, and one last thing, I updated my WIP page, have a look, tell us what you think, I’d appreciate the feedback. As well as your thoughts on the single stories you’d like to see more.

Read This Week #59

The deal with all those books I’ve read this week

Memoirs of this Delusional Writer #33

Starting paragraph

“Hello,” Mike chirped into the phone as he finally relented to that part of his brain that couldn’t just let the phone ring out.

Being that For You # 3

.

“If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than Because he was he, and I was I.”

---Michel de Montaigne

Hadn’t the Pleasure # 72

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it

 

My, how the mighty falls.

After leading his team to two Super Bowl wins, being cut leaves quarterback Levi Brody reeling. Betrayed, scared, and picking up the pieces from a failed love affair, he abandons New Orleans for the speck-on-the-map Alabama town he left behind. He wants nothing more than to hide out and lick his wounds, but an interfering brother thrusts him back into sports—coaching high school football. Where once he’d ruled the field as star player, now he’s taking orders from a very young, very attractive head coach. A coach with a deep-rooted hatred for all things Levi Brody.

Head coach of the newly formed East County High, Tracy Wright has his work cut out for him. Forming three former rival teams into one working unit is all that he can handle. The last thing he needs is an interfering golden boy. He has no use for Levi Brody, until discovering how much Levi has to offer both the team and Tracy.

Small town jealousy plus big city secrets converge, and just might leave both men Sidelined.

Book 2 in The Southern Scrimmage Series. Should be read after Six Ways from Sunday

 

Sideline by Mercy Celeste

(Southern Scrimmage #2)

 First published 20th July 2013 by Mercy Celeste

iBook, 128 pages

Contemporary ‘sport’ Romance

“The fuck? oh hell no, you can’t do this to me?” he sat across from the brand new, still wet behind the ears athletic director at East Country High. The urge to smash his smiling face was growing stronger with each tooth the prick displayed

Series includes

Six Ways from Sunday, Offside Chance

Talkin’ ‘bout Feedspot

I got an email from the company telling me that my blog on their site had 21 followers.

Now this got me curious, which it should, that’s the whole idea of promoting.

Anyway, so I head on over to the site, set myself up a little—since I have a great reading rhythm that works well for me. I don’t need something like this to keep track of everything. Honestly, I don’t actually regularly follow that many people (well, yeah I do but… never mind, it’s not the point)

Anyway I went over there, click on it.

To me, it actually seemed a little weird. Like it wasn’t completely helpful at all.

Like yeah, if I were following people I knew, then fine that’s easy, but to learn about new people… well, I didn’t go that deep since I didn’t really care, but it there seemed to be something missing in all that.

Stuck in Your Head # 67

I’m going to give you the line from the books I’ve read that make my mind crave the rest like chocolate & Coke.

 

“No, sir, you aren’t. You’re peppered with shrapnel.” “That’s impossible. I’d know if I’d been hit,” Ajex argued. He looked down at himself to prove his point. His wetsuit was ripped up. Large chunks of metal protruded from his side and calf. Smaller pieces has torn holes and left oozing red rivulets in their places. page 48, iBook

Water Dogs by Mia Watts

First Published 3rd July 2012 by Resplendence Publishing

Contemporary ‘military’ Romance

 

What happens in the desert stays in the desert…

Or does it? On tour in Iraq with other SEALs teams, Lieutenant John Tucker from the Skins holds a tenuous line of defense with Lieutenant Commander Alex Jackson of the Water Dogs. With four days wait until the Army shows up, and the pock-fire of insurgents ever-present, fight or flight urges are put to the extreme. So when Tucker shocks the LC by making a play for him, and he reluctantly gives in, it’s not like Ajax is going to have to face the fire when he returns home.

Except the mutual devastation of the SEALs teams prompts the military to combine them. Now Tucker is serving under Ajax in a brand new way, and the desert isn’t keeping the secret.

I think I need a Christmas Story

It seems, it’s come that time of year when people are starting to talk Christmas. Or at least that’s where their heads at. Christmas. Need to get this up and read so that we can get it out by Christmas.

Which got me thinking; how can you get yourself writing something you’re not in the mood for.

This is a two point answer that I’ll try my best to keep straight but may do so badly.

The thing is, you see, I don’t know.

I’m too new to all this to have any answers for anything.                                                           

I’m to fucked in the head at the moment to write anything this year (it seems) though I’m more than sure I’ve written the most since I first decided that I wanted to be an author.

Read This week #58

The deal with all those books I’ve read this week

 

Story Corner #33

This posting is for ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY.

It contains substantial sexually explicit scenes and graphic language which may be considered offensive by some readers.

These are parts of stories that are still being written. And therefore haven’t had a BETA read, let alone a editing from me.

.

I don’t mind being your beard… as long as you’ll let me watch

Hadn’t the Pleasure # 71

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it

 

Matt and Shane both have secrets. Matt never believed he was anything but straight, yet he’s increasingly attracted to his best friend. Shane is comfortable with being gay, but when he discovers he’s part werewolf, he hides that part of himself, fearing Matt’s reaction. Suffocated by his uptight parents and conservative hometown, Shane begs Matt to run away with him.

But starting over doesn’t help. Matt still denies his desires, and Shane abuses alcohol to dampen his wolfish urges. When Matt breaks down and kisses Shane, the pent-up passion proves too much for Shane’s self-control, and his wolf gets free. Horrified, Shane flees—into deeper trouble. Before they can hope to accept each other, Shane and Matt must accept themselves

 

Denying Yourself by Silvia Violet

First published 15 May 2013 by Dreamspinner Press

iBook, 170 pages

Paranormal Romance 

The first time I let myself hope Matt was interested in me as more than a friend was his eighteenth birthday. We’d been friends for almost a year by that time.