What a Breakdown Looks Like

I smile as I write the title to this post, mostly because I don’t actually know what it looks like, I’m too much of a depressant to be any good at having full-on meltdowns, the type that everyone around you sees and takes note on because they have no other fucking choice.

 

No, I slept, it’s something that I touched on in an early post, or a facebook post, I’m not completely sure I have the energy to care which one right now.

 

The thing is, like a good little depressant that I am, I went into meltdown by sleeping threw it. I didn’t want to have to deal and so I slept it away. only the problem with that is that the facts are still there when you wake up, which, funny enough, makes you crawl back under the blankets and go back to sleep.

 

The thing is, and yes, I like to start everything that way. I’ve never really had to deal with this sort of stress before, and that’s what this has come down to, stress, I can’t hack it and it’s balled itself growing larger and larger until I’ve not being able to do anything but ran away from it.

 

But I’ve finally noticed, even as I’ve been noticing for a long stretch of months, but I’d say it, and I’d think it but I wasn’t really listening to what it was telling me. I think mostly because it wasn’t something I was use too. There wasn’t any true negativity in my head, or at least no more than normal and I was about to push that away and fix that up, but I still sunk and I sunk fast.

 

it can to the point that I was asleep more than I was awake, and when I was awake I was waiting for those moment that I could go back to sleep. My eyes would sting with the need sleep some more, as if I hadn’t slept at all (which is my depressant way, and that leads me towards suicide, not fun).

 

I know I’ve been talking about this for a while, and I’ve explain the reasons for this, the openness my in the whole event, but mostly I need to talk these things threw in order to get my thoughts straight. I’ve always done it, now I’m just making it a shit load more public. The thing is, even though I write it doesn’t mean I actually listen to it. Which I know, bullshit, but hey, no one said I was smart.

 

And I digress, wonder why, lol

 

I’ve decided that a lot of my stress has come from being in limbo from a few things in my career, and that’s stressing me because I’ve not gone one way or another yet.

 

so what’s changing, nothing much really, I’m just going to be a self-published author instead of a publishing company one.

 

I know this seems like I’m adding stress to myself, but I’m honestly not. I like the control. I like the nitty gritty and when I find an editor that works well with me I’m more than sure that will leave as well, because I’ll be in good hands and if not, I’ll find someone else.

 

I also like the fact that I don’t have to rush or anything (not that I do where I am) and that I’ve not got to second guess myself about what I am or am not allowed to say about my own work.

I like… okay, there are things I’m not happy about when it’s come to being in a company, it’s not their fault, they have been great, it just doesn’t seem to be where I need to be, and that’s that.

Honestly, people, I’m not leaving extasybooks, I like being there, but I just want more control over my books.

 

I now it’s not a surprise I’ve been swinging this way for a long time now, but it’s hasn’t been until this week that I’ve put my foot down and I’ve started the necessary steps towards it. learnt what I needed to learn and when I have this next book finished (horror) It’s going to be the book I use, along with a few short stories, to find myself a editor.

I’m actually really looking forward to it all. If I’m honest, more than I have been able anything that’s happened with my through the year, so I guess that’s saying a lot.

 

I still have a series that will go through a publisher – well two at the moment, maybe more when we get into the swing of writing.

·           My Moonlit Wolves will start with extasybooks, and I’m planning on continuing with the series, trying for one book ever 3 months, but don’t hold your breath I can’t even seem to finish book 8.

·           My co-author work with NJ Nielsen will be going with, I believe we are going to try Fireborn Publishing but I’m honestly not 100% sure on that one yet. And we have a few things we want to work on together which will all go that way.

 

I have everything set up, all I have to do is write and then we can get on the editing way. I believe I’m going to be trying Cool Beans Publishing & Editing first. However, I haven’t really looked completely into either company, only the first pages, type things, so the other one that’s on my list (so far) is Ally Editorial Services. And yes this is because they were the suggestions from, but I will take them and see where it leads, but what I’ve seen I’m happy about so it’ll all depend on what a deeper search brings up.

 

I’ve also got myself a new Avatar, which is much more professional looking, and I love, even if that means patting my own back.

 

Lastly I’m going to need a website, or I want one, but I’ve got that one covered to by my brother-in-law, so walla, how much better do I feel now that I’ve got a lot more control over things… heaps.

 

So thanks everyone for listening and I’m hoping this will be the last depressing post for a while.