Wednesday 27 November 2013

Because I Need to Vent (mental health)

So, I’ve slung into a face depression. It’s because of my mum, I understand this, and I also understand that I will survive.
Anyway, I decided, because I can’t actually write anything today, that I’d look it up, see how much it cost to go and see a therapist. You know, because a GP won’t give me what I need. Because, what, I don’t want to kill myself.
But here’s the thing, and why I decided to write this.
I am doing to Self-test for Depression on the Black Dog Institute and here’s where my problems lie.
Question 1: Are You Stewing over things?
The answer dots are ‘not true’, ‘slight true’, ‘moderately true’, and ‘very true’
At the moment this one is easy, because, yeah I am, my mum’s in surgery, so that’s done ‘Very True’
#2: So you feel more vulnerable than usual?
And you see, I’m at question 2 and I’ve realised why I can’t answer these questions in order to get help, because, no, I don’t feel more vulnerable than usual, but what am I to take as usual. Am I been asked this question from a viewpoint that I’ve been feeling secure my whole life?
I can say that no, I don’t feel more vulnerable than normal, but it’s not like I’ve ever really felt it. and that’s because I’ve felt like this my whole life, and so what’s normal. What am I to take as being the most secure I’ve felt? Am I meant to take this from the point that I can’t wear my skirt anymore because I have a problem with my thighs?
Because I can see it that way. it’s a second reason why I know something gone wrong inside my head, because I’m caring about them being seen again, and really, who the fuck cares. Oh, apparently me.
So, let’s say this is ‘moderately true’ because of that. but it still raises the question. How am I meant to answer this on any given day when I’ve always felt like this, because I’m always suffering from depression, even on my best days?
#3: Are you being self-critical and hard on yourself?
Again, this one goes with the one above, but really, it’s an easy question, because I’m always that way about myself, and I want something out of it, so ‘Very True’
But to clarify, I’m more so today, I had a moment in the car that nearly had me crying because I thought something about myself and I couldn’t actually get myself to disagree with it. Because, well, it’s true, isn’t it?
But, really, Bronwyn, it doesn’t mean they don’t want you around, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you!
#4: Are you feeling guilty about things in your life?
Again, how am I meant to see this one? What does it truly mean?
And yeah, I know, it’s something for quick depressants. Because it’s a reason why they get that way. Why they want to end things quickly, because they need to atone for what they have done.
So, ‘Not True’
#5: Do you find that nothing seems to be able to cheer you up?
… again, I can find a moments joy in moments of my life. Is that’s what’s happening here. is that what I’m meant to think about. That there are moments where I don’t want to burst out in tears, because there are heaps of them. I don’t sit around in the dark thinking of killing myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m joyful.
That doesn’t mean there is anything in my life that truly gives me honest joy, and yet, when I feel those moments, they are happy and they fill me up, but are they truly me feeling joy?
So… what am I meant to answer to that? What am I meant to say? ‘Moderately true’, ‘very true’
Which brings up another area all together. as a mother, do you really want these people to know you don’t find joy in being around you kids. That no matter what they do you can’t be truly happy, no matter what?
And yeah, that’s what they want, as they tell you it’s a safe place, you won’t be judged. Do they not know there talking to a depressant, do you think those little words are going to take away days, months, years… decades of conditioning from an unhealthy mind? Do they think we won’t think you’d judge us? Because, yeah, we know you won’t, but we can’t believe that. Not when that bitch is telling us we can’t.
#6: do you feel as if you have lost your core and essence?
This is all I have ever been, this is my core. This is my essence. This is everything I see myself and everything I wont to run away from.
Can you understand know, how I feel these test are set up with one side of depression in mind. It’s as if I have to have a particular type of depression to be declared depressed, and I don’t have that type and it’s annoying because I can’t afford to pay the bill, and yet, why should I have to suffer for the rest of my life with this because I don’t want to slit my wrist open? Because I’ve learnt to live with this horrible part of me?
#7: Are you feeling depressed? ‘Very True’
#8: Do you feel less worthwhile? ‘very true’
I feel though, that I need to clarify this. Because this isn’t necessary true, and the ones to come are the same, but I’ll explain when I get to them.
I haven’t felt worthwhile in a long time, to the point that I’m over it. I’ve gotten there because who the fuck is?
And to an excess I am worthwhile, and yet if I were to disappear my family—my children would be able to more on and live a life full of happiness and joy.
So, yeah I’m not worth much, and yet, at the moment—for my whole like—people will see me as something more than I am, simply because I am a mother.
#9: Do you feel hopeless of helpless?
This is a new ‘very true’ tick; I normally don’t have this one. but like I’ve mentioned above, my mum’s sick and, well, there isn’t anything I can do to help, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
That I don’t feel as if there’s something I should be doing to help. To make life easier. But there isn’t anything.
#10: Do you feel more distance from other people?
Not really, but then, well, I don’t really have people to feel that way about. And again, I’ve kinda conditioned myself to not feel that.
I push people way. I think it’s a sign of depression.
But when I meet new people, I’m always a little distant, even when I’m in there faces. I don’t connect with people. Hell, I have only connected, as a friend with one person in the last seven years. One.
I ticked the ‘slightly true’ column because I feel that’s where I lie. I can be friendly, I can connect with people, and yet, it’s only slightly. It’s only for that moment.
Clicked the Calculate button and scored: 20
Results  (notes taken from site)
Please note that while great care is taken with the development of this Self-Assessment Tool, it is not intended to be a substitute for professional clinical advice. While the results of the Self-Assessment Tool may be of assistance to you, users should always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions they have regarding their health.
9 or more
 If you have been feeling this way for more than a couple of weeks, or if these feelings persist for more than a couple of weeks, and as a consequence you’re day to day functioning is impaired, there is a chance that you might be clinically depressed. There might be wisdom in you speaking to a general practitioner (primary care physician), trained mental health professional or whomever you seek medical advice from to clarify this possibility.
Less than 9
Your responses to these questions suggest that you are unlikely to be clinically depressed. If your situation does not improve you might consider answering this screening measure again.
Now, all I have to do, I guess, is have this mode on me when I go to a doctor. But, I have done it once, with the opposite result.
So, that’s what I did to procrastinate today, what about you?

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