Monday, 4 November 2013

Wee Little Ramble

You know as I got into writing gay romance I felt as if I needed more than my own self to write these books. That I wasn’t doing something right because I don’t see the predigest around me. That I don’t let the hate hit my ears unless it’s in a way that I can help another.

So I did the right thing, I read the asks on Tumblr. I looked, and read magazine for the gay community. I read blog of gay men. Or people in my own genre. The things that everyone says that you should do.

To be honest I became a part of the community even if you haven’t ever heard of me. but then, if we all stood in a crowded room or at a pub, you probably wouldn’t remember me anyway ever if we spoke for hours.
It’s who I am. I’m not showy. I don’t want you to remember me. I dress in bright colours, because they make me feel happy, and they draw your eyes, which makes me invisible.

I’m the type of person how would rather sit with a beer in hand and listen to the opinions around me, as long as you don’t hate, or bully someone around me you’ll never even know I’m there.
Saying this, you wouldn’t sit on me. I’m loud, just not with my voice. I don’t need you to hear what I have to say, but more to know that I’m there listening to what you have to say.

What I have noticed about the internet, and social media. Though it can give great encouragement. And support, and answers to question you need to know, but can’t ask the people around you. It can also scare the crap out of you.

Coming out stories…

Now, I’ve always been quite fluid with my sexuality. Since the age of 16 I have considered myself bisexual.
It never bothered me. Not when I got my first boyfriends and one of my mates turned around to me and said “it’s about time, we all thought you were a lesbian”
The thing is I’ve never had to worry. Mostly, I think because I’ve always been more drown to penises, but as I saw it—as I still see it, I could spend the rest of my life with a woman. And be happy for it.

but the thing is, I have never worried about what people think in that area of my life. Sexuality has never been a thing in my life. I’ve never hidden it; I’ve never seen it as anything but what it is. A part of someone, an interesting, to me, because I’m truly and utterly fascinated by all things sex.

You see, it’s only been recently that I have even told my parents that I considered myself this way. And I did it as a passing comment, because if I’d gone the other way in life. if a woman had come into my life that I wanted to hold onto and not let go. I would have been one of those who came out in way of introducing my lover to my family.

I’m not ashamed of who I am.
I don’t care either way. I’ve never cared. I didn’t let people close enough to me that if they’d not like it I would have trouble with them in my life.

Okay, I did have a point here somewhere.
Oh, yeah, social media has scared me about what people are really like. They have made me fear this part of me that I don’t care about. That isn’t important, because the worse stories are the ones that get all the attention. But I don’t believe where I live it would matter that much.
Yeah, I’m not naive to think that I would get open arms and all that, but I have never really worried about that, so it wouldn’t have matter.

The worse thing is that now, that I read it all, I’m afraid I’m not going to be writing good enough stories. That they will be heterosexual novels in disguise of two men. And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it. Because I’m not the type of person that can let my mind be changed by things others say.
Yeah, I can go along with it. I can agree to disagree, and I can change what I’ve written because I know they are probably right and I need my novels to be read and understood by people outside of Australia.
But that doesn’t mean that I get what they’re talking about. What they don’t get, I just… well I guess I understand that it’s a life thing, and I don’t fight it. Not yet, anywhere.
But really, I’m shit as with grammar, so it’s not like I really have a foot to stand on. I’m just lucky there isn’t as many as I thought there would be (yeah, I’m better than I thought I would be)

Shit. You know what, it’s this whole waiting bullshit, it’s what’s driving me nuts.
I need you all to read it and tell me if I’m shit at writing or not. I need feedback, and because I don’t know when that’s going to happen (though it’s looking, more and more, like it’ll happen next year). Worse, it doesn’t matter when they first go out, because Its not like I’m going to become a best seller, it might take a while for me to even get feedback.
Maybe I should get my sister-in-law to read them before they go out and see what she thinks. Since she’s a fantasy reader, so if I impress her, that’s something.

Anyway, I’ll go, thanks J

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