Monday, 30 June 2014

Monthly Update

Updated because the first time was shit, which you would have seen had you read it:
It finally hit me. in that way of things hitting you, letting the thought penetrate but it doesn’t sink, it sits and floats, and it annoys you to no end, but still you don’t listen, you don’t believe.
Always you want to be as good, if not better as someone else. As a person you see as being the best in the area you want to succeed in.
You see what they do and you fall in love with the idea of being as good as them, if that’s all you’ll ever be able to do, is just be there, with them.
But the thing is, you never will be.
It’s not because you can’t. Hell, no, if you want something you’ll succeed and you will find that hole you belong in and you will take it and run with it, but you will never be as good.
One of these reasons is because you don’t actually run up alongside them. This one works a little differently than a lot of thoughts, because it’s not one that you really think about. you want to be as good as that person excerpt you’ve gone about it in a different way, with a different style, and because of that you’ll never actually see yourself as being that good, because there isn’t anything solid to show you you’ve made it.
You could become number one, and yet you can’t see that they aren’t yet, that they may never be, because you love them for what they do.
This is another one of those problem we face. When you are trying to run alongside someone you idolise, or you love their work, you’re never going to see them in that light that you could actually be better than them. Because doubts are hard to hide from, and there easily ignored.
And as I wrote that last bit down it found it made little sense, or maybe too much.
You can’t hide from your own doubts. Will it rock? Will people like it? Have I got everything right?
Then you look at what the other person, that person you idolise and want to be just as good at, and all you see is that normal perfection, and yet, for them, though doubts are ringing in their ears, telling them the same thing that yours are telling you.
And if not, well, they aren’t, well, that’s a whole nothing ball game and I don’t even want to have to look up the rules.
And now you’re wondering, that a whole waffle of bullshit for a simple update, but this is actually what I believe I’ve been struggling with for the month.
it hasn’t been as clear cut, it’s been more me putting myself down. Telling myself that what I’m writing is shit, and I’m never going to get it right. That no one’s going to like it and that I should just fuck off and get a day job, leave writing behind.
I understand on a huge level that this is depression, and I am sinking, I’ve had a lot to deal with over the last several months, and things I didn’t grieve over holding me down for longer.
I have moments of happiness, or clarity that what I’m doing is working and it’s likeable and everything is fine, and then another bill comes in that I can’t pay, or something happens in my real life that throws me under and I struggle to get out of the rip.
I understand I’m not happy. I’m not stable and I don’t have the healthiest of minds, but that doesn’t mean I can be rational about it. It doesn’t mean I can turn myself around, slap myself across the face, and tell myself to get better. No, I wholly and make it worse from the turn of the things I say.
Now, I do try and I try and I get myself in a good place, and it last for a while until my brain gets smart and figures out new ways to push me down without me understanding what’s happening until its too late and I’m struggling to make thing better. To get to a bitter place.
Anyway, this last week or so I’ve finally figure out that I’ve been free falling for too long, and I’m trying to claw my way back out. But it’s been slow, and I’ve struggled, but I’m feeling a little lighter, and a little clearer and hopefully it will all be sunshine and Paddle-pops.
So, this month has been a struggle, and like the first post suggested, I haven’t done much.
This week alone, I believe I’ve written my largest chunk of writing, and yet Moonlit Wolves 7 had been sitting at around 9k before I started and I’m only up to 13K now.
I’m struggling to figure out how to write insta-love like real insta-love, as well as add in a way for him to fall, and for three other major story lines to come into it.
It’s not really working out for me, or at least I’ve not been able to see it, and yet I’m at 13K and I’m only just gotten to the point where they are even truly talking about standing and fighting. I still have a full day to get through before night takes the werewolves away.
I started on my horror story, I gave it a back story that took three tries but Im liking it. The problem I’m finding with this story is that I need to sit down and write it flat out, no breaks, no nothing – kinda like I did with my Movember story. only my head is full of book 7 that it won’t let me, so I’m putting it off, finishing book 7 and then I’m going to flat out write this little horror novel and then go back to book 8
I’m at chapter 4 of long hand editing, I’m going to call it, for November 1: Love Without Knowing It, this is going slowly, I believe mostly because I’ve not read it since I got it edited, so I’m planning on taking a day and doing a full read, probably tomorrow.
I believe this will help, or at least I’ll be able to see if it does or not. I’m not actually sure if I’m seeing what she is, but it’s not as if it could hurt anything to have a look.
That is pretty much my plan for July as well, I’m not putting too much on myself when there’s no need, and right this second I don’t.
Oh, and like I mentioned before, I do believe July starts my planning with NJ Nielsen. Which is so so so exciting.

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