Saturday 12 January 2013

Memoirs of this Delusional Writer #14

Starting paragraph
“Something’s not right,” Adam said, his body tense, his voice tight.  
Seeking my Werewolf (series #3) page 29

I’m back!!!
Yeah, ‘cause you needed me to point that shit out, I know, I’m smart that way (cue sarcasm)
There’s no point in my staying away. I’ve done more this week then I have over the last couple of months.

What I’ve done
Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
Finish It / 6,529w--nearly done

Thoughts for Thoughts
There’s a shitload of words about to come. If you read it, tell us if this format works better, or did you prefer the other way. The day to day, rather than week??

309w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         Going into a sex scene. Huh, you’d a thunk it! And I just couldn’t be bothered. Shit. Worse the book I’m reading isn’t all that great.

So some real thoughts—about publishing
I’m thinking, to a point, that yeah I know that I have said all this shit before, but I’m thinking, to a point that I just can’t get it off my head any more, that I want to submit my book Moonlit Wolves #1; Forever with my Werewolf.
Because as I see it it’s already out there in the world. It’s there for everyone to read, and though I have these problems about the fact that no one’s read it, I have no one that can, and they have a part on the form that says shit about spelling and grammar, since they don’t have the time to do that shit.
o   I suck at all that. As I’m more than sure you already know. All I can do is go by spellcheck and hope to hell it works.
But you see, I think it’s okay. I’m better than I was when I first started, which you will be able to see when I start posting Let them Hunt as my Adult Corner postings for the next ten weeks. But….but I think that I’m okay. I fill that I have a handle on it, at least to a point that people don’t bitch about it all that much. Not really. I talk how you speak, but then I write as if someone’s telling the story, so that makes sense, right??
Shit I don’t know. But I really really want to put it out there and see.
Though I guess they’ll tell me if it’s the spelling and grammar that’s a problem, won’t they??
Fuck. I’m being pulled two ways and its annoying because I wasn’t like this a few weeks ago, so is it that my depression is starting to hit me that I have the doubts??
Shit, I don’t know. But then I’m not planning on submitting it ‘til Feb anyway, when the kids are at school and I…ha, I really should post it four weeks before they start, because by the time they do I will be able to take some time and fix—read, plan.
            Maybe I should send it in under another name, that way no matter what it won’t be held….I am still up in the air about this. should I put in my own name or not??

I’m listening to The Heist by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

2,084w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         I’m a little worried that this would end up being a filler (or seeming that way) shit. But then I have this feeling, a tickle on my mind that says it’s going to be interrupted anyway, so what do I know.
[chap6; 1,750 w]
·         One and a half chapters of sex. I don’t really like it when people do them, but it couldn’t have been helped.
Okay so it could have but I really didn’t want to have it all be about Phil, I think the next part might not go to Craig’s favour and he needs to have a softened part—I also was going to use Phil when they all meet his mates, but then, maybe not. We’ll see….
·         I think I might get into too much details. Which isn’t all that bad, except if I’m wrong.
·         I’m feeling as I’m crap at plots, like the whole lovers plot. Like I’m crap at putting them falling in love. Or more so, that part of them that fights it.
But them again I feel as if I have only just started this book so maybe I’ll do better, that Craig will have a panic attack or something. Maybe. Let’s hope, right?
[chap7; 1,450w]
Okay so this might change, we’ll have to wait and see what I do next.
·         But the way, I change up something in the line-up of this series. I made a threesome. It’s book 12, so it’s a long while away, but still…I decided it because they are fun and I wouldn’t mind giving it a go. I’m not sure if it will be two human’s and a wolf, or the other way around, or if the two of them will be already together when the other one shows up, or if they are all going to be new into the whole thing. I guess will all have to see, right?
·         I had to change up a mistake that I made. More so what happened in the end of that sex scene wouldn’t have happened quite like that if you were possessive of another person.
See what I mean about the whole ‘I don’t do Alpha males so well’?
[Lost: 98w, gained: 202w]
2,084 + 105 w = 2,189

Metal heath check (it’s an early catch)
1.    Doubting myself when I spent a few days going over advancing myself in my work. Only to be kicking it into the dirt for no real reason I could think of that I hadn’t thought previously. The doubts had all been worked through, only now they are screaming at me, making me listen. (You can sorta see it in the publishing point I made above)
2.   Body image. I know I’m not the fittest person in the world. And since I had my daughter I have rolls that weren’t there before. But I’m not fat, nor in any need to lose weight. Hell, a lot of people would think I should put some on (really, I could use with a workout that tightens everything—you need a point reference for this shit) but I was thinking myself fat. When I know I’m not, and over the age that my body image problems revolved around that shit. Really, I remember the week my mind stopped with the teenage shit of thinking thin was a good look. (I was 23).

600 Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         The second fight is just about the start. I feel I went a little too neutral on the talking so I will probably re-write it.
Though, also, I think that maybe I should put in the lunch. I think the hostility needs to be there too. Especially with the house. with the fact that he was a hunter, but that he had left Phil like that, even though it’s unreasonable. Since he didn’t know. But still….
·         I’m really not happy with what I wrote eerier today, but I think I’ll have to leave it and move on. I want to finish this chapter. This fucking book really. But defiantly get this chapter done.
·         Huh, apparently Phil’s going through the ringer. Or, at least, he can’t stop being hurt.

867 Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
[chap8; 1,467w]
·         I feel that the first part of this one is going to be redone, so it will most likely be a bit longer. I at least won’t to make it more someone’s voice, even if it’s going to swing to Craig’s again. But I think I can get it being Phil’s especially since I know what’s coming, that too, and it only has to be a side thought, what Craig is talking to Jex about. But new lust is like that, you always watching, listening, even when you’re in your own corner. Right?

943w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         I hate being shit at spelling. Reading. It’s shit as.
I can’t spell a word (I’d put it here, but what’s the point, you won’t understand it), spellcheck (great for people like me—at least, to a point) is giving me a short list (like it does) but none of them seem to spell the word I’m looking for. The sucky thing is, I don’t actually know what the word, even remotely, looks like when spelt, so I’m not a hundred precent sure it’s not one of them.
You understand what I’m saying. It sucks balls. Because I wouldn’t even know where to look to look it up in a dictionary. Mostly because it’s a fucking s word—which could mean that it’s actually a c word. English is a fucked up language. Really. Try not being about to read (spell) it and see for yourself.
·         Now here the thing. Do I put in the fight, or skip it to him pacing along Phil’s bed waiting for him to wake up? The fight itself. That might be all that great, as I’ve never been in that position before and I’m not that great and knowing what’s what (no hand on research) but at the end of the day putting it in will just be filler—but I guess it’s not sex, so….
·         Yeah I ended this before the end of the chapter (since I want to get in a habit of writing a chapter a day) because I just spent the last hour and a half fucking round on the internet.
·         So I might have figured out why I couldn’t write anymore.
·         For some reason today I looked at the fact that I was nearly finished with this book. I am. Don’t get that idea wrong. I’m nearly finishing. And since I’m abandoning any real link that pulls them together and separates them all in one, and just write what comes out of my fingertips.
o   This is my first series I can do that. I can fuck up that way. At the end of the day the next one will be better.
o   But this isn’t the point
·         For some reason, though I’m sure it was there, I realised that I’m nearly up to writing the next one and that’s scaring the shit out of me. For a lot of reasons.

Just remember your readers read. They read a lot!
          and criticise for the fun of it!

I just watched a vlog by Danny Marks about Creativity and Depression. (posting here)
It was actually really interesting seeing someone else’s points and thoughts on depression. And in a lot of ways, the ‘normal’ depression, because as I think I have it, I defiantly don’t in the most flat out ways …
I don’t know, because that would mean I would have to go to a shrink, and I have a problem with smart people, I’m trying to get over it, and I’m going to a professional one anyway, but because of my school life, and probably a link to the dirty dark secret comes from my lake of literary confidence. Smart people, well they get me a little defensive.
… The way that actually puts me in bed, looking like a zombie and never cleaning myself or getting dressed. Though I have the element, I just won’t get that bad—honestly I would have already bleed out in the bathtub if those are the signs you are waiting for from me.
My depression isn’t a hole needing to be filled. There’s nothing missing in me that I need to fill to be happy again. There’s no hurt or craving. Mine is like a layer of ugliness that covers my eyes and cobwebs my brain. Makes nothing worth it. Nothing interesting. Nothing matter.
I’m not sure if this comes from the fact that I have knowingly (and I mean it in a way that my mum said something about me being like dad and I have always seen and understood that I was depressed, though threw those years I called in Teenage Blues, really, I did, read my dairy’s if you don’t believe me).
Anyway you’ve all heard this shit before, but I’m a repeater, and unfortunately a rambler, shit out of luck here, right. luckily I’m also shy, so unlike most I repeat because when I’m talking to someone I don’t feel completely comfortable around I don’t ever remember anything I say.
And now I’m off topic. And forgot my point. great.
I think my point was something about the vlog being good, and how my depressant isn’t the same as most people, but then I already understood this. I’m not sure if it’s because of this awareness and a fact that I never, even at 12, wanted it to get the better of me. Or because of this awareness I managed to shift the way it shows me. So even if I’d wished to stay in bed I got out, I just wanted back in there. And I just dressed the same even if I didn’t really feel like it flattered me (which helps when you have no fashion sense, yeah, I’m just a bundle of cliché’s) mostly I cared but made it so you never really saw how much and because of that—though over the last few years I have cut down a lot of my hang-ups and barriers. Like my defensiveness of the world (it was a big one).
I’m not sure if it’s because, naturally, my depression comes as a slow ripple along the water rather than in giant waves that drag me under and then spit me out. And I’m aware that that is the worse experience, it’s the reason that drugs are needed, because that type of depression needs something outside yourself to pull you out of the darkness. I understand that, but I don’t have that kind. Mine creeps up on me until I’m so under that I’m not sure where the voices are coming from. Don’t know which ways up or down, and I’m so stunned I can’t be bothered looking.
I think the last time I talked about this I referenced myself as standing on the ledge of a bridge—the difference from then and now, is then was probably more accurate beings as I’m pretty sure I was under it at the time. I haven’t gotten that bad since. Since a decision and thought that am still testing the idea that my depression is Iron related, because I’ve known for a while now that it’s hereditary—my depression has too many similarities as my dad’s (and my parents weren’t open to us about my dad’s depression)
Anyway I’ve rambled a lot about this. I’m to open with it. I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with something I can’t help but be. I’m one of the lucky ones that, and because it’s fun I’m going to label it, ‘working-depressant’, because it has so many similarities as working-alcoholics that it fits. I may be able to live, but I’m not going anywhere. Not without help.

Oh, and there was a comment on it, that was something like, ‘I can’t write anything when I’m not depressed’. I use to think the same thing when I first started out. That I had to be in that said mind frame, I even let myself drop into near suicide because I had to be in that mind for a story I wrote (or so I thought). I also thought I couldn’t write if I wasn’t bone tired. That the words wouldn’t flow unless I could shut half my brain down.
But I found that I could. I can. That what I thought was actually that ugliness in me that wanted to let the depression win. And I can’t let it. I’ve been fighting for too long I won’t let it.
I actually find that I write better with a clear head. That my books are less hassle. And that when I start falling into depression I find that what I’m writing isn’t my best. It’s crawling and covered in oppression and self-doubt. (Huh, apparent bugs on the keys today, go figure). It may take me a little longer because life is startling and alive around me and I want to be a part of that, then when I was under the cover of it. But I enjoy writing more. Rather than it being my escape (it still is, but it a much better way).  Than it being my bed. My pit. My darkness.
I also feel that free of the depression I don’t push myself to much and I won’t. I won’t let myself take on more than I can. I won’t let anyone ruin this enjoyment I have in writing. I won’t let myself ruin this for me. I won’t let it ruin my life either. Ruin missing out on my family. On my life.

407w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         Shit, to even get close to what I wrote for book 2 I’ve got 4 thousand more words to write. I’m not sure I’m gonna make that.
·         Okay, so it’s really hot today—they say it’s getting 42oC and it feels it (though in all honesty there’s a breeze that’s slightly cooler. But I reckon that makes the weather feel even hotter). I’m tired, not getting much sleep (‘cause I needed to finish a book that in honesty could have waited) and…and… well I just downloaded book 7 in Charlie Richards spin-off series and I have to read it. So….

90w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         I’m too close to the end; all I can think of is the next book. What a bitch!

Again, I read a posting about ‘why woman read m/m romance’
It wasn’t completely that but I’m especially brain-dead today and can’t quite remember what I had to eat two minutes ago.
I’ve already answer this question in one of my other postings (click here to read) but to sum up the ramble that was that posting. I’m not interested, sexually, in females, and even more so they can annoy the fuck outta me. I’m to feminist to deal with some of that type of shit.
But this one was about the writer of the genre. That they are mostly woman too, and it’s the same, I can’t write about females. I can’t really get into the whole, male drawling over woman thing that you kinda need to be able to master to make those books work. Also, I’m not really happy, or comfortable talking about gushing wetness from just a wink—really, the only time I ‘gush’ is when I’m about to come, getting wet is something that’s not as noticeable as my body heats up and I start to loss focus on what the fucks happening with me body all I wanna know is what’s happening to his, and how fast I can ride that (yeah to much info. I know this cause typing it has my face heating up a little).
When I first started, or at least, when I first thought this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to write romance, and I wanna write it with males, and unlike everyone else, I never put my male barbies together—I had none, if anything I did the whole barbie had to be Ken thing going. My brother did get a GI Joe (he hated Ken) but that was our only male, so he got cosy with the woman—lots and lots of woman.
I’m getting a little off topic. I was typical. And still kinda am. I’m actually a little prudish, or more so I’m not comfortable with public affection. In all honestly I find it more uncomfortable to watch two people kiss then if I walked in on sex. It’s the emotions that they show that I…
Again, off topic.
 Anyway, when I decided this was something I wanted to do. I enjoy it more. So I decided that I needed to understand it more. Understand the steps; the mental punishment we go through when we are determining our sexuality.
And I’m honestly under the illusion and I believe I’m correct in having it, but then I’m not going to scream it out—what if I’m wrong. But I believe that when you’re heterosexual you don’t look any deeper into your own sexuality. You become comfortable in it. You explore in it. But you think of yourself, and you be yourself because that’s where you’re at. Your sexuality is normal. You don’t need to know any more.
I truly believe that homosexuals are more comfortable about themselves, and are more likely to be open about who they are when they become comfortable with themselves because they have to actually agonise over the facts of their sexuality. They don’t wake up one morning and scream to the world that they like the same sex. Not without proof to themselves that this is it. That no matter what happens next. No matter whom they use to be. They are now completely different and are going to be subject to this type that no one wants to understand because that would mean that they would have to look inside themselves and question thing they are quite happy to leave along. Because to them, they are hetro and that’s all that matters. They are scared that they might find out something different about themselves and once they do this, there screwed.
Anyway, my point is that I did this. I went through the idea, because I truly believed that to write hetro romance, to be able to have that male view on a woman you’d have to be a little bit bisexual, right? So I did it. I didn’t feel right in writing something when I didn’t understand the amount of thoughts and ideas and wondering that they would have gone through.
(saying this, I hadn’t a problem with the result because I find males sexually attractive and I always have. And it wouldn’t have matter if I found a woman attractive, I love my partner, and even if I found a woman and fell in love I would have been accepted as I am know. I had nothing to fear. I’m saying this because I understand, while I did this, that many people who are actually confused or learning this about themselves. The final last straw stage of being homosexual that it would be more agonising for them. I did this for myself, for no other reason than to understand and even I understand that it was nothing compared to what it would have been.
I also don’t believe everyone goes through this, or even the same thing. Some just know and accept it without being able to do anything else. Other run screaming from themselves for as long as there able to keep it up (life times, right?) and other…anyway I understand what I’m saying doesn’t speak for anyone but me—I really don’t want to offend anyone)
I have found that I have no sexual attraction to a female body. I don’t understand what’s so attractive about it. I don’t understand how anyone could find it sexually attractive. And yet I do. I understand it on that level that you understand, but…shit you get me, right? That understanding and understanding are two very different things.
This isn’t saying that I couldn’t get with a chick for the entertainment of another. I like the feel of breasts, but I couldn’t get horny for a woman alone. And as far as I remember I haven’t, not straight up. But then I’m a sex is sex kinda woman especially if that’s what on the table. Really, I wouldn’t be in this relationship if it wasn’t for him. And his need to be more to me than nothing.
Maybe that’s why I find it a little hard to write about love. ‘cause I run screaming from it, in lots of different forms.

1,124w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·         The chapter above, when they come out, needs to show, not only his scariness, but the fact that he only talks more than he needs to with Phil.—okay, added red writing about this point.
·         Just gotta get through this fight. Though it’s going to be a bit of a washout. I need the whole storyline to roll over for book 7.
Mostly because book 5 & 6 will revolve around the same storyline, sorta. I’m still thinking on those ones, but book 7 is defiantly more about the hunters and the werewolves. Because another killer gets thrown into the family.
·         Shit, I’m not sure if I’ve ever mapped the house out!!! Need to do some back reading. –okay, looked, didn’t mention the werewolves house, only Tim’s. That’ good, right.
(Oh, did some reading of that books, changed a few miner things around)
[Chap 9; 2,200w]
(book 2 had a lot higher numbers in the individual chapters then this book)

By the way, in Feb, after the kids start school. I’m going to be submitting two of the stories to publishers.
·         The first book in the Moonlit Wolves series. I’m thinking eXtasy books, because of the type of werewolf I’m writing about in this story.
o   I haven’t looked in but I think, with reading the stories from said publisher, I’m looking at it or Silver Publishing that would accept the story. You know, because of the werewolves I use.
o   Though with Silver, I’m a little scared to try them, you know, I’d rather not deal with all the crap, but….they have nicer covers. EXtasy covers suck balls, especially from the no ones. Really, they are Sim’s people.
·         And my ‘Life Just Sucks that Way’, my baby, I want to submit to one of the other ones. Um… penguin, Harlequin, random house.
o   My biggest issue with this is the way I wrote that book. Paragraph to paragraph. But I really want them to go out.
Anyway that’s what I want; let’s hope my nerves hold up!!!

Ending Paragraph
Phil remembered this. The pain. The need to fall over when clearly he was laying down.
Seeking my Werewolf (series #3) page 36

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