“Something’s
not right,” Adam said, his body tense, his voice tight.
Seeking my Werewolf (series #3) page 29
I’m back!!!
Yeah, ‘cause you needed me
to point that shit out, I know, I’m smart that way (cue sarcasm)
There’s no point in my
staying away. I’ve done more this week then I have over the last couple of
months.
What I’ve done
Seeking my Werewolf
(Moonlit Wolves #3)
Finish It / 6,529w--nearly done
|
Thoughts for Thoughts
There’s a shitload of words about to come. If you
read it, tell us if this format works better, or did you prefer the other way.
The day to day, rather than week??
309w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
Going into a sex scene. Huh, you’d a thunk it! And I just couldn’t be
bothered. Shit. Worse the book I’m reading isn’t all that great.
So some real thoughts—about publishing
I’m thinking, to a point,
that yeah I know that I have said all this shit before, but I’m thinking, to a
point that I just can’t get it off my head any more, that I want to submit my
book Moonlit Wolves #1; Forever with my Werewolf.
Because as I see it it’s
already out there in the world. It’s there for everyone to read, and though I
have these problems about the fact that no one’s read it, I have no one that
can, and they have a part on the form that says shit about spelling and
grammar, since they don’t have the time to do that shit.
o I suck at all that. As I’m
more than sure you already know. All I can do is go by spellcheck and hope to
hell it works.
But you see, I think it’s
okay. I’m better than I was when I first started, which you will be able to see
when I start posting Let them Hunt as my Adult Corner postings for the next ten
weeks. But….but I think that I’m okay. I fill that I have a handle on it, at
least to a point that people don’t bitch about it all that much. Not really. I
talk how you speak, but then I write as if someone’s telling the story, so that
makes sense, right??
Shit I don’t know. But I
really really want to put it out
there and see.
Though I guess they’ll tell
me if it’s the spelling and grammar that’s a problem, won’t they??
Fuck. I’m being pulled two
ways and its annoying because I wasn’t like this a few weeks ago, so is it that
my depression is starting to hit me that I have the doubts??
Shit, I don’t know. But then
I’m not planning on submitting it ‘til Feb anyway, when the kids are at school
and I…ha, I really should post it four weeks before they start, because by the
time they do I will be able to take some time and fix—read, plan.
Maybe I should send it in under another name, that way no
matter what it won’t be held….I am still up in the air about this. should I put
in my own name or not??
I’m listening to The Heist by Macklemore
& Ryan Lewis
2,084w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
I’m a little worried that this would end up being a filler (or seeming
that way) shit. But then I have this feeling, a tickle on my mind that says
it’s going to be interrupted anyway, so what do I know.
[chap6; 1,750 w]
·
One and a half chapters of sex. I don’t really like it when people do
them, but it couldn’t have been helped.
Okay so it could have but I
really didn’t want to have it all be about Phil, I think the next part might
not go to Craig’s favour and he needs to have a softened part—I also was going
to use Phil when they all meet his mates, but then, maybe not. We’ll see….
·
I think I might get into too much details. Which isn’t all that bad,
except if I’m wrong.
·
I’m feeling as I’m crap at plots, like the whole lovers plot. Like I’m
crap at putting them falling in love. Or more so, that part of them that fights
it.
But them again I feel as if
I have only just started this book so maybe I’ll do better, that Craig will
have a panic attack or something. Maybe. Let’s hope, right?
[chap7; 1,450w]
Okay so this might change,
we’ll have to wait and see what I do next.
·
But the way, I change up something in the line-up of this series. I
made a threesome. It’s book 12, so it’s a long while away, but still…I decided
it because they are fun and I wouldn’t mind giving it a go. I’m not sure if it
will be two human’s and a wolf, or the other way around, or if the two of them
will be already together when the other one shows up, or if they are all going
to be new into the whole thing. I guess will all have to see, right?
Later
·
I had to change up a mistake that I made. More so what happened in the
end of that sex scene wouldn’t have happened quite like that if you were
possessive of another person.
See what I mean about the whole
‘I don’t do Alpha males so well’?
[Lost: 98w, gained: 202w]
2,084 + 105 w = 2,189
Metal heath check (it’s an early catch)
1. Doubting myself when I spent
a few days going over advancing myself in my work. Only to be kicking it into
the dirt for no real reason I could think of that I hadn’t thought previously.
The doubts had all been worked through, only now they are screaming at me, making
me listen. (You can sorta see it in the publishing point I made above)
2. Body image. I know I’m not
the fittest person in the world. And since I had my daughter I have rolls that
weren’t there before. But I’m not fat, nor in any need to lose weight. Hell, a
lot of people would think I should put some on (really, I could use with a
workout that tightens everything—you need a point reference for this shit) but
I was thinking myself fat. When I know I’m not, and over the age that my body
image problems revolved around that shit. Really, I remember the week my mind
stopped with the teenage shit of thinking thin was a good look. (I was 23).
600 Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
The second fight is just about the start. I feel I went a little too
neutral on the talking so I will probably re-write it.
Though, also, I think that
maybe I should put in the lunch. I think the hostility needs to be there too.
Especially with the house. with the fact that he was a hunter, but that he had
left Phil like that, even though it’s unreasonable. Since he didn’t know. But
still….
Later
·
I’m really not happy with what I wrote eerier today, but I think I’ll
have to leave it and move on. I want to finish this chapter. This fucking book
really. But defiantly get this chapter done.
·
Huh, apparently Phil’s going through the ringer. Or, at least, he can’t
stop being hurt.
867 Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
[chap8; 1,467w]
·
I feel that the first part of this one is going to be redone, so it
will most likely be a bit longer. I at least won’t to make it more someone’s
voice, even if it’s going to swing to Craig’s again. But I think I can get it
being Phil’s especially since I know what’s coming, that too, and it only has
to be a side thought, what Craig is talking to Jex about. But new lust is like
that, you always watching, listening, even when you’re in your own corner.
Right?
943w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
I hate being shit at spelling. Reading. It’s shit as.
I can’t spell a word (I’d
put it here, but what’s the point, you won’t understand it), spellcheck (great
for people like me—at least, to a point) is giving me a short list (like it
does) but none of them seem to spell the word I’m looking for. The sucky thing
is, I don’t actually know what the word, even remotely, looks like when spelt,
so I’m not a hundred precent sure it’s not one of them.
You understand what I’m
saying. It sucks balls. Because I wouldn’t even know where to look to look it
up in a dictionary. Mostly because it’s a fucking s word—which could mean that it’s actually a c word. English is a fucked up language. Really. Try not being
about to read (spell) it and see for yourself.
·
Now here the thing. Do I put in the fight, or skip it to him pacing
along Phil’s bed waiting for him to wake up? The fight itself. That might be
all that great, as I’ve never been in that position before and I’m not that
great and knowing what’s what (no
hand on research) but at the end of the day putting it in will just be
filler—but I guess it’s not sex, so….
·
Yeah I ended this before the end of the chapter (since I want to get in
a habit of writing a chapter a day) because I just spent the last hour and a
half fucking round on the internet.
Later
·
So I might have figured out why I couldn’t write anymore.
·
For some reason today I looked at the fact that I was nearly finished
with this book. I am. Don’t get that idea wrong. I’m nearly finishing. And
since I’m abandoning any real link that pulls them together and separates them
all in one, and just write what comes out of my fingertips.
o This is my first series I
can do that. I can fuck up that way. At the end of the day the next one will be
better.
o But this isn’t the point
·
For some reason, though I’m sure it was there, I realised that I’m
nearly up to writing the next one and that’s scaring the shit out of me. For a
lot of reasons.
Just remember your readers read. They read a
lot!
and
criticise for the fun of it!
I just watched a vlog by Danny Marks about
Creativity and Depression. (posting here)
It was actually really
interesting seeing someone else’s points and thoughts on depression. And in a
lot of ways, the ‘normal’ depression, because as I think I have it, I defiantly
don’t in the most flat out ways …
I don’t know, because that
would mean I would have to go to a shrink, and I have a problem with smart
people, I’m trying to get over it, and I’m going to a professional one anyway,
but because of my school life, and probably a link to the dirty dark secret
comes from my lake of literary confidence. Smart people, well they get me a
little defensive.
… The way that actually puts
me in bed, looking like a zombie and never cleaning myself or getting dressed.
Though I have the element, I just won’t get that bad—honestly I would have
already bleed out in the bathtub if those are the signs you are waiting for
from me.
My depression isn’t a hole
needing to be filled. There’s nothing missing in me that I need to fill to be
happy again. There’s no hurt or craving. Mine is like a layer of ugliness that
covers my eyes and cobwebs my brain. Makes nothing worth it. Nothing
interesting. Nothing matter.
I’m not sure if this comes
from the fact that I have knowingly (and I mean it in a way that my mum said
something about me being like dad and I have always seen and understood that I
was depressed, though threw those years I called in Teenage Blues, really, I
did, read my dairy’s if you don’t believe me).
Anyway you’ve all heard this
shit before, but I’m a repeater, and unfortunately a rambler, shit out of luck
here, right. luckily I’m also shy, so unlike most I repeat because when I’m
talking to someone I don’t feel completely comfortable around I don’t ever
remember anything I say.
And now I’m off topic. And forgot
my point. great.
I think my point was
something about the vlog being good, and how my depressant isn’t the same as
most people, but then I already understood this. I’m not sure if it’s because
of this awareness and a fact that I never, even at 12, wanted it to get the better
of me. Or because of this awareness I managed to shift the way it shows me. So
even if I’d wished to stay in bed I got out, I just wanted back in there. And I
just dressed the same even if I didn’t really feel like it flattered me (which
helps when you have no fashion sense, yeah, I’m just a bundle of cliché’s)
mostly I cared but made it so you never really saw how much and because of
that—though over the last few years I have cut down a lot of my hang-ups and
barriers. Like my defensiveness of the world (it was a big one).
I’m not sure if it’s
because, naturally, my depression comes as a slow ripple along the water rather
than in giant waves that drag me under and then spit me out. And I’m aware that
that is the worse experience, it’s the reason that drugs are needed, because that
type of depression needs something outside yourself to pull you out of the
darkness. I understand that, but I don’t have that kind. Mine creeps up on me
until I’m so under that I’m not sure where the voices are coming from. Don’t
know which ways up or down, and I’m so stunned I can’t be bothered looking.
I think the last time I
talked about this I referenced myself as standing on the ledge of a bridge—the difference
from then and now, is then was probably more accurate beings as I’m pretty sure
I was under it at the time. I haven’t gotten that bad since. Since a decision
and thought that am still testing the idea that my depression is Iron related,
because I’ve known for a while now that it’s hereditary—my depression has too
many similarities as my dad’s (and my parents weren’t open to us about my dad’s
depression)
Anyway I’ve rambled a lot
about this. I’m to open with it. I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with
something I can’t help but be. I’m one of the lucky ones that, and because it’s
fun I’m going to label it, ‘working-depressant’, because it has so many
similarities as working-alcoholics that it fits. I may be able to live, but I’m
not going anywhere. Not without help.
Oh, and there was a comment
on it, that was something like, ‘I can’t write anything when I’m not
depressed’. I use to think the same thing when I first started out. That I had
to be in that said mind frame, I even let myself drop into near suicide because
I had to be in that mind for a story I wrote (or so I thought). I also thought
I couldn’t write if I wasn’t bone tired. That the words wouldn’t flow unless I
could shut half my brain down.
But I found that I could. I
can. That what I thought was actually that ugliness in me that wanted to let
the depression win. And I can’t let it. I’ve been fighting for too long I won’t
let it.
I actually find that I write
better with a clear head. That my books are less hassle. And that when I start
falling into depression I find that what I’m writing isn’t my best. It’s crawling
and covered in oppression and self-doubt. (Huh, apparent bugs on the keys today,
go figure). It may take me a little longer because life is startling and alive
around me and I want to be a part of that, then when I was under the cover of
it. But I enjoy writing more. Rather than it being my escape (it still is, but
it a much better way). Than it being my
bed. My pit. My darkness.
I also feel that free of the
depression I don’t push myself to much and I won’t. I won’t let myself take on
more than I can. I won’t let anyone ruin this enjoyment I have in writing. I
won’t let myself ruin this for me. I won’t let it ruin my life either. Ruin
missing out on my family. On my life.
407w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
Shit, to even get close to what I wrote for book 2 I’ve got 4 thousand
more words to write. I’m not sure I’m gonna make that.
·
Okay, so it’s really hot today—they say it’s getting 42oC
and it feels it (though in all honesty there’s a breeze that’s slightly cooler.
But I reckon that makes the weather feel even hotter). I’m tired, not getting
much sleep (‘cause I needed to finish
a book that in honesty could have waited) and…and… well I just downloaded book
7 in Charlie Richards spin-off series and I have
to read it. So….
90w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
I’m too close to the end; all I can think of is the next book. What a
bitch!
Again, I read a posting about ‘why woman read
m/m romance’
It wasn’t completely that
but I’m especially brain-dead today and can’t quite remember what I had to eat
two minutes ago.
I’ve already answer this
question in one of my other postings (click here to read) but to sum up the
ramble that was that posting. I’m not interested, sexually, in females, and
even more so they can annoy the fuck outta me. I’m to feminist to deal with
some of that type of shit.
But this one was about the
writer of the genre. That they are mostly woman too, and it’s the same, I can’t
write about females. I can’t really get into the whole, male drawling over
woman thing that you kinda need to be able to master to make those books work.
Also, I’m not really happy, or comfortable talking about gushing wetness from
just a wink—really, the only time I ‘gush’ is when I’m about to come, getting
wet is something that’s not as noticeable as my body heats up and I start to
loss focus on what the fucks happening with me body all I wanna know is what’s
happening to his, and how fast I can ride that (yeah to much info. I know this
cause typing it has my face heating up a little).
When I first started, or at
least, when I first thought this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to write
romance, and I wanna write it with males, and unlike everyone else, I never put
my male barbies together—I had none, if anything I did the whole barbie had to
be Ken thing going. My brother did get a GI Joe (he hated Ken) but that was our
only male, so he got cosy with the woman—lots and lots of woman.
I’m getting a little off
topic. I was typical. And still kinda am. I’m actually a little prudish, or
more so I’m not comfortable with public affection. In all honestly I find it
more uncomfortable to watch two people kiss then if I walked in on sex. It’s
the emotions that they show that I…
Again, off topic.
Anyway, when I decided this was something I
wanted to do. I enjoy it more. So I decided that I needed to understand it
more. Understand the steps; the mental punishment we go through when we are
determining our sexuality.
And I’m honestly under the
illusion and I believe I’m correct in having it, but then I’m not going to
scream it out—what if I’m wrong. But I believe that when you’re heterosexual
you don’t look any deeper into your own sexuality. You become comfortable in
it. You explore in it. But you think of yourself, and you be yourself because
that’s where you’re at. Your sexuality is normal. You don’t need to know any
more.
I truly believe that
homosexuals are more comfortable about themselves, and are more likely to be
open about who they are when they become comfortable with themselves because
they have to actually agonise over the facts of their sexuality. They don’t
wake up one morning and scream to the world that they like the same sex. Not
without proof to themselves that this is it. That no matter what happens next.
No matter whom they use to be. They are now completely different and are going
to be subject to this type that no one wants to understand because that would
mean that they would have to look inside themselves and question thing they are
quite happy to leave along. Because to them, they are hetro and that’s all that
matters. They are scared that they might find out something different about
themselves and once they do this, there screwed.
Anyway, my point is that I
did this. I went through the idea, because I truly believed that to write hetro
romance, to be able to have that male view on a woman you’d have to be a little
bit bisexual, right? So I did it. I didn’t feel right in writing something when
I didn’t understand the amount of thoughts and ideas and wondering that they
would have gone through.
(saying this, I hadn’t a
problem with the result because I find males sexually attractive and I always
have. And it wouldn’t have matter if I found a woman attractive, I love my
partner, and even if I found a woman and fell in love I would have been
accepted as I am know. I had nothing to fear. I’m saying this because I
understand, while I did this, that many people who are actually confused or
learning this about themselves. The final last straw stage of being homosexual
that it would be more agonising for them. I did this for myself, for no other
reason than to understand and even I understand that it was nothing compared to
what it would have been.
I also don’t believe
everyone goes through this, or even the same thing. Some just know and accept
it without being able to do anything else. Other run screaming from themselves
for as long as there able to keep it up (life times, right?) and other…anyway I
understand what I’m saying doesn’t speak for anyone but me—I really don’t want
to offend anyone)
I have found that I have no
sexual attraction to a female body. I don’t understand what’s so attractive
about it. I don’t understand how anyone could find it sexually attractive. And
yet I do. I understand it on that level that you understand, but…shit you get
me, right? That understanding and understanding
are two very different things.
This isn’t saying that I
couldn’t get with a chick for the entertainment of another. I like the feel of
breasts, but I couldn’t get horny for a woman alone. And as far as I remember I
haven’t, not straight up. But then I’m a sex is sex kinda woman especially if
that’s what on the table. Really, I wouldn’t be in this relationship if it
wasn’t for him. And his need to be more to me than nothing.
Maybe that’s why I find it a
little hard to write about love. ‘cause I run screaming from it, in lots of
different forms.
1,124w Seeking my Werewolf (Moonlit Wolves #3)
·
The chapter above, when they come out, needs to show, not only his
scariness, but the fact that he only talks more than he needs to with
Phil.—okay, added red writing about this point.
·
Just gotta get through this fight. Though it’s going to be a bit of a washout.
I need the whole storyline to roll over for book 7.
Mostly because book 5 &
6 will revolve around the same storyline, sorta. I’m still thinking on those
ones, but book 7 is defiantly more about the hunters and the werewolves.
Because another killer gets thrown into the family.
·
Shit, I’m not sure if I’ve ever mapped the house out!!! Need to do some
back reading. –okay, looked, didn’t mention the werewolves house, only Tim’s.
That’ good, right.
(Oh, did some reading of
that books, changed a few miner things around)
[Chap 9; 2,200w]
(book 2 had a lot higher
numbers in the individual chapters then this book)
By the way, in Feb, after the kids start
school. I’m going to be submitting two of the stories to publishers.
·
The first book in the Moonlit Wolves series. I’m thinking eXtasy books,
because of the type of werewolf I’m writing about in this story.
o I haven’t looked in but I
think, with reading the stories from said publisher, I’m looking at it or
Silver Publishing that would accept the story. You know, because of the
werewolves I use.
o Though with Silver, I’m a
little scared to try them, you know, I’d rather not deal with all the crap,
but….they have nicer covers. EXtasy covers suck balls, especially from the no
ones. Really, they are Sim’s people.
·
And my ‘Life Just Sucks that Way’, my baby, I want to submit to one of
the other ones. Um… penguin, Harlequin, random house.
o My biggest issue with this
is the way I wrote that book. Paragraph to paragraph. But I really want them to
go out.
Anyway that’s what I want;
let’s hope my nerves hold up!!!
Ending Paragraph
Phil remembered
this. The pain. The need to fall over when clearly he was laying down.
Seeking my Werewolf (series #3) page 36
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