Monday 30 June 2014

Monthly Update

Updated because the first time was shit, which you would have seen had you read it:
 
It finally hit me. in that way of things hitting you, letting the thought penetrate but it doesn’t sink, it sits and floats, and it annoys you to no end, but still you don’t listen, you don’t believe.
 
Always you want to be as good, if not better as someone else. As a person you see as being the best in the area you want to succeed in.
You see what they do and you fall in love with the idea of being as good as them, if that’s all you’ll ever be able to do, is just be there, with them.
 
But the thing is, you never will be.
It’s not because you can’t. Hell, no, if you want something you’ll succeed and you will find that hole you belong in and you will take it and run with it, but you will never be as good.
 
One of these reasons is because you don’t actually run up alongside them. This one works a little differently than a lot of thoughts, because it’s not one that you really think about. you want to be as good as that person excerpt you’ve gone about it in a different way, with a different style, and because of that you’ll never actually see yourself as being that good, because there isn’t anything solid to show you you’ve made it.
 
You could become number one, and yet you can’t see that they aren’t yet, that they may never be, because you love them for what they do.
 
This is another one of those problem we face. When you are trying to run alongside someone you idolise, or you love their work, you’re never going to see them in that light that you could actually be better than them. Because doubts are hard to hide from, and there easily ignored.
 
And as I wrote that last bit down it found it made little sense, or maybe too much.
You can’t hide from your own doubts. Will it rock? Will people like it? Have I got everything right?
Then you look at what the other person, that person you idolise and want to be just as good at, and all you see is that normal perfection, and yet, for them, though doubts are ringing in their ears, telling them the same thing that yours are telling you.
And if not, well, they aren’t, well, that’s a whole nothing ball game and I don’t even want to have to look up the rules.
 
And now you’re wondering, that a whole waffle of bullshit for a simple update, but this is actually what I believe I’ve been struggling with for the month.
 
it hasn’t been as clear cut, it’s been more me putting myself down. Telling myself that what I’m writing is shit, and I’m never going to get it right. That no one’s going to like it and that I should just fuck off and get a day job, leave writing behind.
 
I understand on a huge level that this is depression, and I am sinking, I’ve had a lot to deal with over the last several months, and things I didn’t grieve over holding me down for longer.
I have moments of happiness, or clarity that what I’m doing is working and it’s likeable and everything is fine, and then another bill comes in that I can’t pay, or something happens in my real life that throws me under and I struggle to get out of the rip.
 
I understand I’m not happy. I’m not stable and I don’t have the healthiest of minds, but that doesn’t mean I can be rational about it. It doesn’t mean I can turn myself around, slap myself across the face, and tell myself to get better. No, I wholly and make it worse from the turn of the things I say.
 
Now, I do try and I try and I get myself in a good place, and it last for a while until my brain gets smart and figures out new ways to push me down without me understanding what’s happening until its too late and I’m struggling to make thing better. To get to a bitter place.
 
Anyway, this last week or so I’ve finally figure out that I’ve been free falling for too long, and I’m trying to claw my way back out. But it’s been slow, and I’ve struggled, but I’m feeling a little lighter, and a little clearer and hopefully it will all be sunshine and Paddle-pops.
 
So, this month has been a struggle, and like the first post suggested, I haven’t done much.
This week alone, I believe I’ve written my largest chunk of writing, and yet Moonlit Wolves 7 had been sitting at around 9k before I started and I’m only up to 13K now.
I’m struggling to figure out how to write insta-love like real insta-love, as well as add in a way for him to fall, and for three other major story lines to come into it.
It’s not really working out for me, or at least I’ve not been able to see it, and yet I’m at 13K and I’m only just gotten to the point where they are even truly talking about standing and fighting. I still have a full day to get through before night takes the werewolves away.
 
I started on my horror story, I gave it a back story that took three tries but Im liking it. The problem I’m finding with this story is that I need to sit down and write it flat out, no breaks, no nothing – kinda like I did with my Movember story. only my head is full of book 7 that it won’t let me, so I’m putting it off, finishing book 7 and then I’m going to flat out write this little horror novel and then go back to book 8
 
I’m at chapter 4 of long hand editing, I’m going to call it, for November 1: Love Without Knowing It, this is going slowly, I believe mostly because I’ve not read it since I got it edited, so I’m planning on taking a day and doing a full read, probably tomorrow.
I believe this will help, or at least I’ll be able to see if it does or not. I’m not actually sure if I’m seeing what she is, but it’s not as if it could hurt anything to have a look.
 
That is pretty much my plan for July as well, I’m not putting too much on myself when there’s no need, and right this second I don’t.
 
Oh, and like I mentioned before, I do believe July starts my planning with NJ Nielsen. Which is so so so exciting.

Saturday 28 June 2014

an Opening for Guests & WIP excerpt

I don’t like not having a post this day, mostly because, yeah, I have something posted every day, but Sat’s are different, they are meant to be more than just a bit of fluff, a filler. They are meant to be something you’d look forward to, not something to see on a page. So I’ve decided to make this my guest day.
 
If you are looking for somewhere to flog your book, your blog, give me a bell (at beeheeley@gmail.com), and I’d be more than happy to put you here.
 
I will accept any genre in any category, or age group. However, I get final say on what I’ll post.
 
Latest WIP: if you don’t know that I’ve been planning to write a short horror novella, I’d love to say for Halloween, but I’m not putting that down, since I’d really love to finish—yeah I’m not putting that down in concrete. Then, um, I’m writing a horror novella.
 
Anyway, watching Supernatural one day I started writing it, and it was shit.
I wrote 400 words in 1st person, and the scrapped that for 800 words in 3rd person and then settled for the night, but I wasn’t happy with it. Not one bit.
You see, I want this one in 1st person, I wanted to write it so close that you were the person on the page, and I still might be able to get it that close, but it just wasn’t working for me, and I wasn’t sure why.
 
I thought, and thought some more, and it hit me that I just didn’t know how to start the story. Yeah, I had an idea, I absolutely know what’s happening, I have it written down, the main scenes that will have great details in what’s happening in each room.
I have the idea of how I want it to come across the first time you read it, and then by the time you get to the end...everything changes.
I want it to be a story you can only read once, because every time after that it’s gone, you know what’s about to happen.
 
I have so many thoughts on this one. So many things I want out of it that I’ve scared the shit out of myself. So I pulled it all back. There’s a thought on how I want it to come out, and if that happens, then I’ll pat myself on the back if not, hopefully, it will still be a great story.
 
[Un-edited excerpt—people this is straight out of 1st draft]  
 
***
Mum was always the one to walk into the closet to make sure the monsters were all gone each night before I went to bed.
She was always the one that told me it was okay to fear. But that I was always safe when she was around, and if she couldn’t be, then I’d find something that would take her place.
I choose a stuffed rabbit, by the time I could remember it, I’d held the rabbit for nearly 5 years. It’s actually one of my oldest memories.
The rabbit, which apparently was a nice baby yellow, had turned a grayish colour, but I was more than sure that was years later than that first thought. As it stood now, me at the tender age of twenty-two it only had one ear, long and paper thin, crusty from years of being chewed, and as clear as anything, a replacement from one I’d lost year before.
The stuffing was those little beads, settled in the arse, its toes. However, one of those had seen better days.
I remember this point in all my thought because I wanted to be clutching it now. I wanted my fingers around the head, suffocating poor scratchy as the butt sat snuggled into my armpit.
Screams scratched at my ears, my mothers, my sisters, yelling for the pain to stop, for everything to stop. Panicked I try to run away, to turn invisible as I slowly back out of the room. Tears ran down my cheeks, I want nothing more than to run to them, to get him to stop it.
My head beat rapidly, it rebounding around my head as fast and as strong as everyone else’s in the house. Pound pound pound, as if it was ready to jump out of my skin and dance the hula on my grave.
I pray I’m not making any noises.
My feet are heavy as I drag myself along the hall, a hand trailing against the wallpaper, as I slowly make my way to the front door.
The sound dances around me, sounding as if they were far away, as if they were right on top of me. I’m alive and dead, dreading the moment he finds out I’m still in the house, that I’m not asleep, or locked up somewhere else.
I don’t know why he hasn’t seen me before, why he didn’t checked out the house before standing over my mother—sister in bed with her, and started the butcher I’d witnessed.
Fear rides me hard, I understand that as my hands shake and my mouth turns dry. I want to run. I want to scream, I want something to happen. The hope, the fact that I’m walking now is almost scarier. Why is it possible? When is he going to see me, to hunt me down and do to me as his doing to my family?
Sweat slides down my spine, running cold, making me shiver while heat licks at my face, my neck. I’m all over the place, hoping and praying that my fingers are going to wrap around the front door handle, as I know it’s not going to happen. Any moment now, any fucking second, I’m going to get grabbed from behind and dragged to me death, and from the screams and blood, coming from my mother’s room it’s not going to be fun sailing.
My bladder punched at me, I need the toilet, needed it in the worst way possible, and I wasn’t even sure why. I mean yeah, I just woke, but honestly hadn’t even really fallen asleep before all this happened.
I reach the front room, the door is right there, just a few feet away. In reach. I push out a breath of happiness. I’m excited, I’m shaking, but breathing becomes ragged, hitting me as I suck in more than I let out.
I stumble, hitting things that aren’t there.
I jumped, heart leaped into my throat, closing it up, as a scrap came from behind.
Turning myself back, after I nearly made the most basic scary movie no no, I bump into the counter, it rattles, making a loud bang in the quite room. There’s no way, even if he wasn’t here with me, right now, that he doesn’t know I’m there now.
My fingers fumble on the table, running into keys as they stabbed into me. I grabbed at them, then ran for the door, not caring anymore, just knowing that I needed out. I would be safe once I got out.
I clutch at the door as it swings open, rolling around the hard edge taking myself outside as it swings.
I look back, not able to get to the other side without looking. In most ways, I can’t help myself; it’s almost a compulsion, I can’t not see what’s chasing me. can’t not see if he was actually there or if I was home free.
I see a reflection, a cabinet door swung open, its shined into the hallway. A man stands there, young looking, covered in blood, his jeans looked almost black in spots, his shirt ripped, as if someone had pulled at the collar, a butchers knife in his left hand, a smaller one in his right, blood dripping from them both.
A smirk lined his face, nearly deviously happy with himself.
A shiver worked up my spine, getting me moving again, I blinked, not releasing I stopped.
“I’ll find you,” was spoken from somewhere behind me, and a laugh, fucking hell, the laugh, it was like something you’d hear coming out of a man who knew he’d done a good job in the sack.
A beep shattered the world, making it shift and wobble as I slowly made my way out the door.
It happened again. I stilled, not really sure what was real and what wasn’t.
Fear drenched me some more as I turned myself around, frantically reaching out, trying to find some common ground.
Hard plastic hurt my hand as I hit something at an odd angel.
I cry out in surprise, and pain, as darkness folded around me.

Thursday 26 June 2014

Hadn’t the Pleasure # 107

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it
 

 
When architect Gregory Hampton’s son, Davey, starts having trouble in Little League, Greg takes him to an eye doctor. The diagnosis hits them hard. Davey’s sight is degenerating rapidly, and eventually he’ll go blind.
 
Tom Spangler is used to getting what he wants. When Greg captures his attention, he asks Greg for a date. They have a good time until Greg gets a call from the friends watching his son, telling him Davey has fallen. Greg and Tom return to find the worst has happened—Davey can no longer see.
 
With so much going on in his life, Greg doubts he’ll see Tom again. But Tom has researched beep baseball, where balls and bases make sounds to enable the visually impaired to participate in Little League. Tom spearheads an effort to form a team so Davey can continue to play the game he loves. But when Greg’s ex-wife shows up with her doctor boyfriend, offering a possible cure through a radical procedure, Greg must decide how far he’ll go to give Davey a chance at getting his sight back.
 
Love Comes Home by Andrew Grey
(Senses #3)
 First published 7th March 2014 by Dreamspinner Press
iBook,  176 pages
Genra
 
“Keep your eye on the ball, Davey,” Greg Hampton called from the bleachers of his son’s Little League game. “I know you can do it!”
 
Series includes
Love Comes Silently, Love Comes in Darkness

Wednesday 25 June 2014

It Starts On A Thought

And a plan.
 
So I’m going to be scrapping my Memoirs.
*sad face* the end of an era, lol
 
Anyway, I had a comment and really that person was telling me what I wanted to know, and what I wanted to happen.
So now that it’s been pushed in my head I’ve got to figure out the idea of it. How am I going to get it all set up? How am I going to go through the edits?
And am I going to just cross things off, the big paragraphs that I’ve decided to change.
Am I going to put it up as a constant whole story?
 
Big thoughts, but at the end of the day it’s generally you write the whole thing out and then you change it. or at least that’s what I might try and do, and when I can’t—well, if I’m only taking out a paragraph or changing it, I’ll just backdate it, cross the part and then even highlight the changes, or just add them. Then link them all in with the following post.
 
Which in all honesty will be the easy part as I won’t be changing parts unless I’m re-writing.
 
I feel to do this write I’m going to have to let you in on it all. From the moment, I pick the book, to what I have planned to start out. Then I’ll be going through and write it.
 
The thing is, as I’ve said early this week, I can’t write if I’m not in the mood for it, and this one I’m not even going to be picking for love but for the moment that it’s something I want to write I just don’t know when I’ll get to it.
 
Saying this, I’m going to try my hardest to write at least a chapter a week, or at the lest 1K but it could turn out that I’ll go through massive parts of not writing anything, as I’m deep in another book, or it might be that I’ve grown bored, forgotten or it just gets too much.
 
Two of those options you will be informed about, and two I need you to remind me that this is something I’m doing, to get my head outta my arse and write it!
 
So I’m actually going to give this a huge amount of thought, I’m cancelling my Memoirs, which means there probably won’t be anything on Saturday, maybe a guest post or something if anyone’s interested – author, reviewers, but honestly I don’t get a lot of hits so I’m not sure if it would actually help anything, lol
 
So I’m going to think, and try and write some more, and get happy—because that’s what I need first off—and in August I’ll come up with what I’m going to do.
 
You’ll get a choice in book, and I’m thinking of using one of my other blogs—my old one. Which will definitely be getting taken down by that point in the year, instead of using this one, that way anything I think of, or have thought of will come up and be put onto that one—I believe including what I research. You’ll be privy to it all, because if I’m going to do it I may as well go all out, right!
 
But if you have a thought, tell me, it may help me decide. I’m even open at this point to maybe putting a comp on it, have you ask for a story for me to write instead of picking up one for myself, but we’ll see what happens.

Tuesday 24 June 2014

Stuck in Your Head # 101

I’m going to give you the line from the books I’ve read that make my mind crave the rest like chocolate & Coke.
 
 
“We’re just gonna walk to the next sculpture,” Tate said trying to keep his discomfort out of his voice. “I haven’t seen it yet—Brian really wants me to.”
“You haven’t seen it you?” Mark’s voice was more than bitter—it was downright hurt.
“No. I’m guessing you have?”
“Yes, Tate Walker, Brain’s inspiration, must, and life, I have seen this next sculpture, and the idea that…” that bitter voice trailed off and Mark seemed to get hold of himself, which was good, because Talker didn’t have the first fucking clue how to respond to that.
--page 21, iBook
 
Talker’s Graduation by Amy Lane
(Talker #3)
First Published 11th of October 2011 by Dreamspinner Press
YA Contemporary Romance
 
When you get past the basics of survival, what next? Brian Cooper recovered from the attack that almost killed him, and Tate Walker faced down his own demons. Now all that’s left is... each other. Growing up together and growing into their love is everything but easy.
 
Talker’s eternal optimism and Brian’s quiet faith just might be able to conquer the obstacles, big and small, in their way—as well as overcome the complications of having all their dreams come true.
 
Series includes
Talker & Talker Redemption

Monday 23 June 2014

What’s… um… happening…

I had a post planned for this one about writing what I’m passionate about, and the fact that I can’t put fingers to keyboard on plan. Also how stress makes me lose that passion and because of that I’m making it difficult for me to write, tho worse it means I’m going to have to work something out with my brain to get it moving again.
 
But as I re-read it all I’ve noticed that I’m a depression sort and so my first take for the week is to tell myself happy things, and demand I fucking listen.
 
What I can tell you is what I have planned for myself for the rest of the year, book wise anyway.
 
·         In November I’m self-publishing a novella Love Without Knowing It for the Movember charity, all proceeds through the month will be donated.
o   I’m planning on doing a cover thing next month along with asking for reviewers, and people to do a post or something to promote awareness of male health.
o   There’s also a massive thing I have with the pricing of this book, but I’m figuring it out too.
·         I want to finish this story arc for the Moonlit Wolves series, which is 2.5 books, but I’m giving myself to the end of the year to do this one
o   Protecting My Werewolf, Picturing My Werewolf & To Catch a Werewolf’s Attention
·         I’m going to be writing a short horror story, I’m not sure when this will happen but I’m getting to a point where it’s becoming impossible not to write it
·         And July marks the start of my co-authoring with NJ Nielsen – we will be starting our world building, characters, and how we are going to go about writing these, all so we can have all the information needed to start next year.
·         I’d also like to write a Christmas story to self-pub, or try and get into an anthology, not that I’m good at getting into these thing (I say after only trying twice)
Now let’s see if I’m able to do any of these
·         Oh, and I have something coming out, this will come to light on Wednesday
·         AND… I would like to self-pub Gotta Start Somewhere, which I believe, just needs a cover but I’ll have someone else give it a look before I declare it ready. This one will be free.
 
I’m hoping to get a Photoshop program and if I can find on an ebook creator that doesn’t need to be attached to the internet, tho that one I’m not so sure about. My brother-in-law is looking into that for me, so Im hooping to have it all installed by the end of the month.
 
If you aren’t aware I have a blog post on Rhiannon Wellman’s blog, there’s a free read on that from the boys in the Moonlit Wolves series. this short was meant to go into the back of book 5 before I was advised not to put them in there.
It’s telling you how the boys got comfortable with each other. this is an older creation of a story and I’m hoping I was able to update it enough, and answer some questions that you might have had – question you were never going to get from the series itself.  
 
Anyway, if you wish to check it out here’s the link.
 
And lastly, I’m going to be on Team Taste the Rainbow blog hop in July, that is I am if I’ve managed to sign up to it the right way.
 
 
The way I see it, it’s for the community and to help celebrate Loose Id’s 10-year anniversary, which is all exciting.
If I haven’t and I remember I’ll join in anyway, I just won’t be linked like the others. Anyway, if you want to learn more, click here.

Sunday 22 June 2014

I'm a Guest!!

So, heaps of fun today – or today in a different time zone, though I’m not 100% sure if I’m at the right time or not, but today I’m on Rhiannon Wellman’s blog!!


Go check me out, but mostly, for those who have read my series, there is a short story of the boys on the couch with Eamon, is was meant to go into the back of one of my books, but that’s a no go, and so…

Hope you like, and it put a light on the boys that you might want to know :)

so go, now, have a look just by clicking here!

Read This Week #96


The deal with all those books I’ve read this week


Saturday 21 June 2014

Memoirs of this Delusional Writer #45

As I look upon this time I realise that I’m still not happy with how I’ve changed it, and for the fact that I sometimes have nothing to say, so I end up giving up this section completely. Which on the up side could be a better way to go.

But I’m going to be nice and give you a choice.
I could:
1)      Keep this up, telling you what I wrote over the time period and the numbers, if that’s what you’re truly interested in.
·         the reason that I had this option was because I didn’t speak about my writing any time but when I write this section once a week, but as we can all see that’s changed. And tho I don’t really mind giving you my thought, yet again, on what I have done as the weeks have gone by, I feel I’m mostly just repeating myself, and boring the shit outta the world.
·         If not I’ll crawl back under my bed and let it rest.
2)      Write a story, and I mean get you to pick one of my WIP to work on and write that one, showing you the steps. Even getting into editing when I get that far down the line
3)      Put up my memoirs. And I mean truly, you’ll get to see the thoughts of mine as I think back over my teen years – I’ve started this already, got, like 6k out of it, and I haven’t even finished off one simple day at school.
·         The thing with this one is I have no idea what you’ll learn about me, and sometimes you might desperately not want to know.
·         And I’m not really sure where I’m going. I just needed to vent a little and so I started them up, and quite honestly, I really don’t mind finishing.

So you have a think, and I’ll have a think, and if you have an opinion on what you’d like to see up here there share, if not that I’ll decide, easy as that.

So, this time away I have done… jack fucking shit.
Okay that’s not true. I have written a little, I’ve gotten caught up, come to a realisation and wrote a little more.
Thought and realised and now working out a plan for a different story
And done jack fucking shit.

Moonlit Wolves 7: Protecting His Werewolf, wrote this week: 2,938
 


 “Oh fuck!” Adam screamed as Justin took that arch to nip at his neck and pull out his cock.
Justin’s chuckle was drowned out by a bang on the door. “Fire!”

Thursday 19 June 2014

Hadn’t the Pleasure # 106

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it
 

 
Matthew Elliot is one of LA’s best detectives—a smart, tough, closeted gay man. When he falls for his gym instructor, it’s not his colleagues he should be worried about finding out…it’s the bad guys.
 
Matthew Elliot is one of LA’s best detectives. He's been labelled the golden boy of the Fab Four: a team of four detectives who've closed down drug-rings all over the city. He’s smart, tough and exceptionally good at his job.
 
He's also a closeted gay man.
 
Enter Kira Takeo Franco, the new boxing coach at the gym. Matthew can't deny his immediate attraction to the man his fellow cops know as Frankie. But in allowing himself to fall in love with a man known to his colleagues, Matthew risks outing them both.
 
Matt and Kira work to keep their relationship and private lives hidden from Matt’s very public life, fearing it would be detrimental to their careers.
 
But it's not the other cops who Matthew should be worried about finding out his deepest, darkest secret…it's the bad guys.
 
The Point of No Return by NR Walker
(Turning Point #1)
 First published 18th August 2012
Republished 2nd August 2013 by TotallyBound
iBook, 146 pages
Contemporary Mystery Romance
 
The four of us hit the gym like we always did after a stressful day and were met by a round of applause from the other cops who were there working out. The gym itself was a main floor space with various fitness equipment, a service desk and some rooms off the far wall for different classes. It smelt like sweat and dirty socks. I loved it.
 
Series includes
Breaking Point, Starting Point