Saturday 30 November 2013

Memoirs of this Delusional Writer #35

Starting paragraph
Shadows passed into his peripheral vision, his head shifted. Not enough that was anything noticeable, but so that he’d be able to see who it was.
Book A, page 7

Friday 29 November 2013

.

You will not be punished for your anger,
you will be punished by your anger.
                                                           - The Buddha

Thursday 28 November 2013

Hadn’t the Pleasure # 80

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it
 

For Pestilence, the White Horseman, love becomes the most powerful cure.
 
Having lost his wife and child during the Black Plague, Pestilence accepts the fate destiny has given him as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. For centuries, Pestilence did his job, spreading plagues and disease around the world. He does it to keep the balance between good and evil, yet he hates every minute of it. He longs to be left alone, but suddenly fate seems to have a different plan for him.
 
When Bart Winston stumbles into an Amazon clearing, he’s terribly ill and sure he’s going to die. A tall white-haired man with unusual black eyes catches him in his arms and Bart’s life takes a turn into the unbelievable. Blaming the whole situation on his illness might have worked, but as he gets better and learns about the strange man who heals him, Bart must accept there are more things in the world than he ever guessed.
 
Pestilence and Bart heal each other, and begin to wonder if there can be a future for the White Horseman and the mortal he’s fallen in love with.
 
Pestilence by TA Chase
(the Four Horsemen #1)
 First published 12th September 2011 by Total-e-bound
iBook,  145pages
Fantasy Romance
 
Lights flashed in the darkness behind Aldo’s eyes as he slowly regained consciousness. Pain rocketed through his body and he gasped.
“Open your eyes.”
 
Series includes
War, Famine, Death

Wednesday 27 November 2013

Because I Need to Vent (mental health)

So, I’ve slung into a face depression. It’s because of my mum, I understand this, and I also understand that I will survive.
Anyway, I decided, because I can’t actually write anything today, that I’d look it up, see how much it cost to go and see a therapist. You know, because a GP won’t give me what I need. Because, what, I don’t want to kill myself.
 
But here’s the thing, and why I decided to write this.
 
I am doing to Self-test for Depression on the Black Dog Institute and here’s where my problems lie.
 
Question 1: Are You Stewing over things?
 
The answer dots are ‘not true’, ‘slight true’, ‘moderately true’, and ‘very true’
 
At the moment this one is easy, because, yeah I am, my mum’s in surgery, so that’s done ‘Very True’
 
#2: So you feel more vulnerable than usual?
 
And you see, I’m at question 2 and I’ve realised why I can’t answer these questions in order to get help, because, no, I don’t feel more vulnerable than usual, but what am I to take as usual. Am I been asked this question from a viewpoint that I’ve been feeling secure my whole life?
I can say that no, I don’t feel more vulnerable than normal, but it’s not like I’ve ever really felt it. and that’s because I’ve felt like this my whole life, and so what’s normal. What am I to take as being the most secure I’ve felt? Am I meant to take this from the point that I can’t wear my skirt anymore because I have a problem with my thighs?
Because I can see it that way. it’s a second reason why I know something gone wrong inside my head, because I’m caring about them being seen again, and really, who the fuck cares. Oh, apparently me.
 
So, let’s say this is ‘moderately true’ because of that. but it still raises the question. How am I meant to answer this on any given day when I’ve always felt like this, because I’m always suffering from depression, even on my best days?
 
#3: Are you being self-critical and hard on yourself?
 
Again, this one goes with the one above, but really, it’s an easy question, because I’m always that way about myself, and I want something out of it, so ‘Very True’
 
But to clarify, I’m more so today, I had a moment in the car that nearly had me crying because I thought something about myself and I couldn’t actually get myself to disagree with it. Because, well, it’s true, isn’t it?
But, really, Bronwyn, it doesn’t mean they don’t want you around, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you!
 
#4: Are you feeling guilty about things in your life?
 
Again, how am I meant to see this one? What does it truly mean?
And yeah, I know, it’s something for quick depressants. Because it’s a reason why they get that way. Why they want to end things quickly, because they need to atone for what they have done.
So, ‘Not True’
 
#5: Do you find that nothing seems to be able to cheer you up?
 
… again, I can find a moments joy in moments of my life. Is that’s what’s happening here. is that what I’m meant to think about. That there are moments where I don’t want to burst out in tears, because there are heaps of them. I don’t sit around in the dark thinking of killing myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m joyful.
That doesn’t mean there is anything in my life that truly gives me honest joy, and yet, when I feel those moments, they are happy and they fill me up, but are they truly me feeling joy?
 
So… what am I meant to answer to that? What am I meant to say? ‘Moderately true’, ‘very true’
 
Which brings up another area all together. as a mother, do you really want these people to know you don’t find joy in being around you kids. That no matter what they do you can’t be truly happy, no matter what?
And yeah, that’s what they want, as they tell you it’s a safe place, you won’t be judged. Do they not know there talking to a depressant, do you think those little words are going to take away days, months, years… decades of conditioning from an unhealthy mind? Do they think we won’t think you’d judge us? Because, yeah, we know you won’t, but we can’t believe that. Not when that bitch is telling us we can’t.
 
#6: do you feel as if you have lost your core and essence?
 
Huh?
HUH…?
 
This is all I have ever been, this is my core. This is my essence. This is everything I see myself and everything I wont to run away from.
 
Can you understand know, how I feel these test are set up with one side of depression in mind. It’s as if I have to have a particular type of depression to be declared depressed, and I don’t have that type and it’s annoying because I can’t afford to pay the bill, and yet, why should I have to suffer for the rest of my life with this because I don’t want to slit my wrist open? Because I’ve learnt to live with this horrible part of me?
 
#7: Are you feeling depressed? ‘Very True’
#8: Do you feel less worthwhile? ‘very true’
 
I feel though, that I need to clarify this. Because this isn’t necessary true, and the ones to come are the same, but I’ll explain when I get to them.
I haven’t felt worthwhile in a long time, to the point that I’m over it. I’ve gotten there because who the fuck is?
 
And to an excess I am worthwhile, and yet if I were to disappear my family—my children would be able to more on and live a life full of happiness and joy.
So, yeah I’m not worth much, and yet, at the moment—for my whole like—people will see me as something more than I am, simply because I am a mother.
 
#9: Do you feel hopeless of helpless?
 
This is a new ‘very true’ tick; I normally don’t have this one. but like I’ve mentioned above, my mum’s sick and, well, there isn’t anything I can do to help, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
That I don’t feel as if there’s something I should be doing to help. To make life easier. But there isn’t anything.
 
#10: Do you feel more distance from other people?
 
Not really, but then, well, I don’t really have people to feel that way about. And again, I’ve kinda conditioned myself to not feel that.
I push people way. I think it’s a sign of depression.
 
But when I meet new people, I’m always a little distant, even when I’m in there faces. I don’t connect with people. Hell, I have only connected, as a friend with one person in the last seven years. One.
 
I ticked the ‘slightly true’ column because I feel that’s where I lie. I can be friendly, I can connect with people, and yet, it’s only slightly. It’s only for that moment.
 
Clicked the Calculate button and scored: 20
 
Results  (notes taken from site)
 
Please note that while great care is taken with the development of this Self-Assessment Tool, it is not intended to be a substitute for professional clinical advice. While the results of the Self-Assessment Tool may be of assistance to you, users should always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions they have regarding their health.
 
9 or more
 If you have been feeling this way for more than a couple of weeks, or if these feelings persist for more than a couple of weeks, and as a consequence you’re day to day functioning is impaired, there is a chance that you might be clinically depressed. There might be wisdom in you speaking to a general practitioner (primary care physician), trained mental health professional or whomever you seek medical advice from to clarify this possibility.
 
Less than 9
Your responses to these questions suggest that you are unlikely to be clinically depressed. If your situation does not improve you might consider answering this screening measure again.
 
Now, all I have to do, I guess, is have this mode on me when I go to a doctor. But, I have done it once, with the opposite result.
 
So, that’s what I did to procrastinate today, what about you?

Looking Back over Nov

Yeah, I have something I can talk about.
 
Here’s the thing, I actually have my monthly Memoir coming out at the end of the month so I’m not sure if this is completely needed, but I knida like the idea of a month-to-month look. It makes me see how I’m failing, and put a real list into my head at what I need to do.
 
So, November it is
 
First up, I finished 2013 blog story on That’s Different… I’ve put it all together and set it to my beta, I’m not sure what’s happening on her end, but Christmas is a bitch of a time, so there’s aloud a little leeway
 
So, That’s Different… chronicled vol. 1 is done. I’m already planning the start of vol 2. I had already thought of a start, but again I find that I’m pushing it. That I’m getting to far ahead in the story, so the first one to come out in 2014 will be Senses, which will have him tied to a bed as he learns what’s it’s truly like to be touched.
 
Also, finished off Being That For You, which isn’t what I was hoping it would be, but it is what it is, and I’m hoping you will like it.
Though, to be honest, I think if I hadn’t already the plan to make it a full book I probably would have put in a whole lot more thought, but since I am, and with that, I’ll probably change the ending completely.
But this is what the brain gave me, and it will be coming to you, probably, Christmas, or the week after, depending on if I end up writing a Chrissy story or not.
 
I finished the editing with Moonlit Wolves #4: Controlling my Werewolf. As well as learnt when, at least, the first four would be released (I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say when that is or not, so I’m keeping quite), but I’m guessing as long as I can write them so, they will all be released in the same fashion.  
 
I also started #6: The Rub of my Werewolf, which is moving along quite well—I’m up to chapter 5, though it’s a little paused as I’m trying to fight with myself.
On one hand, I just want to follow the story with Dan, but he’s had three chapters all to himself so far, so it only seems fair that Gene get one, before I head back over. But Gene just doesn’t have anything to say, so I’m struggling to find it when all I want is for the conclusion of what’s happening with Dan.
I’m sure it will come down to me giving up of Gene and just write Dan’s part, because I can always go and fill it up, if I find in re-reading it, that it really does need it.
 
I’m disappointed with myself, but I haven’t been able to write much more on Book A. it’s pissing me off, but I think that’s because I’m trying to push too much onto this story. Like I’m making it about his condition, when I should just let that be a set in the story, and actually write what I wanted to, and that’s the romance.
It’s odd, and I’m frustrated with it, because I want to finish it, but I just can’t.
 
I jotted down the starts of:
Except I’m Not, which is a NA coming out novel, that revolves around teen pregnancy, because I kinda need to get out of a certain head space I have, so I can’t write Falling in Love with this Forever.
 
Straight with a Gay Kink, which a #1 in a new contemporary romance I’ve been wanting to write.
 
I also, finished off a short story, Assassins Union #2.5 Spilt Blood, which is bad of me since I haven’t even finished book 1 yet. But hey, if you guys are interested in what I have on that end, tell us, and I’ll put it up in one of my Adults corners.
 
So, I think that’s it, for my November. If you want, the numbers on what I just told you My Memoirs will be up on Sat.

Tuesday 26 November 2013

Stuck in Your Head # 75

I’m going to give you the line from the books I’ve read that make my mind crave the rest like chocolate & Coke.
 
 
“Jesus, Thursday, every time you set that rule you cheat.”
“What do you mean, I chest? I usually lose.”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” Joe laughed […]
page 43, iBook
 
The 51st Thursday by Mercy Celeste
First Published 14th March by Cobblestone Press
Republished 26 January 2012 by author
Contemporary Romance
 
Shelby Bainbridge, former championship winning quarterback and son of an Alabama Senator with presidential aspirations, lost everything one Thursday night fifty-two weeks ago. Lost, alone, battered, and broken Shelby finds comfort in the local bar called Deacon’s Place. Week after week, he finds himself drawn to Deacon’s for the beer, for the atmosphere, for the solace and for Deacon himself.
 
Deacon can no longer deny the desire he feels for the man he calls Thursday. When Deacon wants something Deacon is a hard man to resist. The problem is, Deacon never planned to lose his heart. Especially to a man who could be destroyed by an unexpected night of forbidden passion.

Monday 25 November 2013

2014’s Blog Story—or the tragedy of my mind

I know I have a while before I have to figure this one out. That if I want I can just leave it to That’s Different… but if I’m honest with you, that one might stop being a blog story and might turn into a little series that I can push out quicker.
 
I’m not sure. I’m just been thinking about life, and tragedy—you know, the regular, and this hit me.
 
So, some background.
I’ve spoken to my mum and she’s allowed me to share with you guys.
A few weeks ago, she was found a lump under his nipple. She went through the right channels and they found that that’s it was cancer.
She caught it early, and they have operated it, and start keno, thing with here are fine. And there’s no sign that it won’t be.
 
However, like my diseased brain likes to do, is, well, make tragedy bigger, grander, and so I started thinking about death.
Yeah, for me.
 
The thought that came to me was because I have two moles on the back of my head, they are annoying and ache when I get my haircut and they brush over them so many times.
Not the point. But in the shower the thought came to me of having cancer in my brain—or a tumour. Not the point.
 
The point being I had an option of getting it cut out and a huge percentage that I wasn’t going to be me again or I could leave it and dye in agony.
Yeah, people, that’s my brain for you, worse, I always, always, choose death.
 
But I feel in this way that I have a point.
(and this point has no actual real life actuary, I’m not smart, I don’t know what cancer of the brain is like, I’d have to look it up)
Anyway, there I was, lying in bed, dosing off as I have an imaginary argument with the Defacto about letting me dye. (This was the second time; the first was in the shower as I was washing myself)
 
Anyway, I won’t go into details. Really, you don’t need to hear the crap that came up inside my head, and, well, let my fall into one of the most peaceful sleeps I’ve had in a long time.
Maybe I should back-story that one day. Falling asleep in my coffin.
 
So, the end idea is this, and the title of this posting, as well as the idea of my blog story.
 
The Last Year of my Life
 
I was thinking that I could do this threw a series of diary entry type posts. Have it be from when his gets the news, up until… well, I guess I’ll have to think about that one, but I thought it was a good idea. I think it be interesting to see how my head actually takes that and uses it.
 
You see, I’m a mother now, and so if I only had a year left, this year, my whole life would revolve around my children. My family. I would be preparing them for when I wasn’t there. Writing things for my kids, when they are older—I know it’s a trop, but it’s a sweet one, and something that would be sweet.
And yeah, I have thought way too much into my own death. I know what I’m going to do under most circumstances.
 
But if you were free to do anything in the whole world. If you didn’t have to worry about people, you were leaving behind. Money. Anything, what is it that you would do?
I have lots of ideas for this, things that are for his darkest moments. Things for his happier ones. And things that he has to do in order to get to a point where he can lay his head down and let go.
 
The thing with this story is that a lot of it won’t be good. They will be wild, destructive, abusing, and downright sad, but I feel it’s something that I need to write, and since this shit with my mum has pulled all this crap back up from when I was sixteen, well, I should do it.
 
Now, it also will have to be said, that he is going to die at the end of the story.
That’s something that I think needs to be spoken about, because things can get confusing in the writing world. And as an author you can change things up, make something happy that doesn’t have that type of outcome.
Not this one. He will die at the end of the book. Weather it will comes right up to that moment—spoke in someone else’s words, or it will end where he can’t hold a pen anymore. Can’t think straight enough to put a sentence together, I don’t know, but this story, is what the title says.   
 
So… is this something you’d be interested in? Would you like to know that fucked out things in my mind in regards to this topic? Or is it too sensitive to really talk about?

Saturday 23 November 2013

The, like, fourth last time, I swear

I know I’ve waxed on a lot about this over the last couple of weeks, but as I was linking up my blog post with the other social sites it came to my attention that I figure all this out after I’d scheduled it and then, well, forgot about them, in a way.
 
Anyway, I didn’t link them up to the pervious stories, and my endnote on the last one was, well, wrong. So I thought I would post this, linking them up, so if you haven’t have a chance, and was interested in reading them... well, here they are.
 
That’s Different…
BDSM ménage romance about a young man leaning the leather ropes from a couple and finding a little bit more
 
This is, well, introducing the guys. It’s POVed in Todd’s voice who is a young guy wanting into the scene of leather and pain, when he meets Jem who is the bouncer at a meet and greet leather club.
 
This is the first posting of the first scene Cass and Jem invite Todd too.
This one is basically, getting into the room, and stripping down
 
A slight hitch of Todd’s insecurities and a set of leather cuffs that make him feel more secure with him and the other two men
 
This one has him cuffed into a chair, unable to move. More issues are brought to light, as everything he’s thought about sex, and wanting is put to the test.
 
This one, is a continuation of his minds fighting to submit
 
is them finishing off the scene with a bit of sex
 
So, this miniseries, is set up so that I can have an excuse to research the life of leather. The problems I am finding is that I’m not into the scene, nor do I want to be, but it completely and utterly fascinates me (like most think revolving sex).
I’m hoping that I have him set, that I’m doing Todd right. That I get this scene right.
The thing is, I was hoping that writing about a newbie would make it easier, because he gets to learn things as I do. But…well...I’m sure you see the problems I’m facing.
 
Anyway, I’m mentioned before, that I’ve decided to get this series edited and released as free reads. I was hoping for this to happen before the end of the year, but I’m not sure if that’s actually going to happen, but it will defiantly be up by Feb 2014 (fingers crossed).
 
And lastly, this is the last of this story for 2013, I have a two books that need to be finished by the end of the year, as well as the last posting for Being That For You, which needs to be done so I can fill it up and have that one out for you in 2014 as well.
 
I hope you enjoy them, and I’m sure you would even more once an editor looks them over, because I know I’ve made some whopping mistakes. I’m not big headed enough to think I can do this without an editor to two fixing up my crap.
 
And please feel free to tell me if I do something wrong, like I said, this is about learning for me, so if you see something that’s completely out of character, tell me, please.

Story Corner #41: That’s Different…

This posting is for ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY.
It contains substantial sexually explicit scenes and graphic language which may be considered offensive by some readers

Friday 22 November 2013

Story Corner #40: That’s Different…

This posting is for ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY.
It contains substantial sexually explicit scenes and graphic language which may be considered offensive by some readers

Thursday 21 November 2013

Hadn’t the Pleasure #79

The books that have been collecting dust for so long they have become stained from it


Foster brother to Jonah for a short time as teens, Christian developed a massive crush on his tough, older roommate. That all ended when the cops came and arrested Jonah, stealing him from Christian's uncertain world.

Jonah knew the kid with the crush on him would be better off forgetting that he ever existed. Jonah stayed in contact with their foster mother Marisol, but refused to hear news about Christian, and made the woman promise never to tell Christian anything about him.

Upon her death fifteen years later, Marisol leaves a request that Jonah come home and help Christian renovate her house. Jonah can't refuse, even though he knows he will have to face Christian once again.

Although they haven't seen each other in years, neither man has forgotten the other. Neither man will deny Marisol her final request... even if it means facing their past, working together, sharing the room they had as teens, getting to know one another now as men, and discovering that the brief friendship they shared has altered into a consuming, abiding love.

Publisher's Note: This book contains explicit sexual content, graphic language, and situations that some readers may find objectionable: Anal play/intercourse, male/male sexual practices, violence.

 
A Fostered Love by Cameron Dane
(Foster Siblings #1)
 First published 24th March 2009 by Loose ID
iBook,  193 pages
Contemporary Romance

Holy shit, it’s him.
Jonah Roberts, all grown up.

Series includes

Something New, Snowfall